 Comedy: October 13, 2010 Issue [#3998] |
  Comedy
This week: This Way to the Check-Out Lane ... Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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I had a conversation with my mother, recently. It's one of those uncomfortable conversations about death and final resting wishes. I mean, how can someone dictate their wishes from beyond the grave? Simple, folks, it's called guilt! Here are my thoughts on the subject ... |
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Hello Folks! Welcome to another issue of the Comedy Newsletter. Lately, I've been thinking about biting the dust, buying the farm, the final exit, you name it, I've pondered it! The thing is, we've all got to go sometime. Why not make it more interesting?
My mother always cooked a lot and fed many people at her table. She asked if there were acquaintances who would be alone for the holidays to please invite them to our table. She even sent them home with doggy bags. So when she talked to me about her funeral plans, she said she'd be happy if in lieu of flowers, people would donate food. All the can goods could then be distributed to a local shelter or food bank. I know, you're all going, "awwww" about now. 
I thought about her request and said: "Sure Web-Mom, I will do that for you. Just think about it, you're lying in your casket, which will be that metallic green you so love, wearing the jade green outfit that you adore, underneath the off-white, not bright white, puckered lining on the lid, surrounded by all kinds of canned goods waiting for distribution to their final home as you head off to your final resting area. The thing that clinches the whole scene will be the one floral arrangement at the head of the coffin that states, 'Rest in Peas!"
Well, folks, that was the end of that dead end conversation with my mother. I don't think she thought I took it seriously enough. 
Thereafter, WL and I got talking about the hereafter and how we want to be given our final goodbyes. We both insist on cremation and some scattering of ashes, some permanent resting area for most of the ashes and some on reserve for both of us to be joined in a scattering unless we happen to die together, then we can skip step three and just go with a scattering mix of both and a burying mix of both. Are you getting mixed-up yet?
Well, I got to wondering, which parts would be merged together if we should die at separate times. Do I really want to be permanently buried with WL's feet? What fun could that be? I mean, even the word funeral has the word fun in it. Is there a way to mark different body-part-ashes, so you know for sure which part you'll get stuck with for eternity?
Another thing ran across my mind. What if we planned ahead to save some of those ashes to give to our loved ones as a final remembrance of us? I wonder if people give out funeral favors like they do at weddings and other special occasions. Could you picture some attendant handing out ashes as the mourners leave the funeral parlor? They could be contained in those tiny plastic bottles they put bubble soap and a blower in as wedding favors. They took the place of rice and bird seed at some weddings, as a send-off for the bride and groom. The funeral bottles could be labeled, "Piece of Ash." I know there will be a lot of acquaintances left behind who would love a piece of me! 
I went to a Greek grandmother's funeral. During the wake, right in the middle of an elaborate epitaph, an eerie sound came out of the coffin. It was the grandmother's hearing aid. I realize that some older Greeks can be very superstitious, but can you imagine what was going through their minds then? Was it a sign from her spirit that she liked the speech or didn't like it? All I know is that it was quite a creepy experience. Another thing needed answering, also. Why did a dead person need a hearing aid? 
Preparing for death can be quite grave, especially when you don't have an alarm clock allowing you a snooze button's amount of time to tie up loose ends. Nevertheless, there are animals that seem to predict imminent death. Have you heard about the "death cat?" This feline walks the halls of a medical care facility and jumps on the bed of the next patient to bite the dust. Since he's become so famous, everyone knows that you don't want a visit from the cat.
Just picture it. You're lying in bed with tubes out the wazoo, (another body part I missed playing hooky in biology class, but I feel deep inside my psyche that I don't want tubes out of it or anywhere near it ) and you see its little, evil shadow on the wall outside your door. You're screaming, skip me, skip me! But the little ba---, uhh, black cat turns into your room. You think, I have another chance to discourage it. You grab for those tubes in God knows where on your body and look at the cat with a threatening, "make my day," look. The challenge is on. "You step one paw on my bed and you are going to get bed-panned, electrolyted, salined, blood drenched and potassium poisoned before you can get out the mmmmmmmmm, in Meow, you grim feliner!"
Folks, dying doesn't have to be so serious, especially if you have a solid plan. Just be sure to avoid the care center that allows a death cat. I mean, I am very allergic to cats. Why compound the death process by exposing me to one? The fact that I know I'm going to die soon because of the cat's visit is bad enough. However, those precious last moments needed to make my death demands to whomever will listen to me will be taken away or more labored because I'm coughing, sneezing, breaking out in hives and unable to breathe.
OMG! I just figured it out! That's why I'll bite the dust. The damn cat knows I'm allergic and figures, "yup, if I'm there long enough, she's a goner. I get to keep my perfect death record and another fifteen minutes of fame." 
That's all she wrote for the death management course, Halloween Special, Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Boo!
W W |
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Since I only posted the contest winners in the last Newsletter, I am adding some comments that had to do with previous Newsletters, first.
Web-Lock weighs in with a couple Newsletter comments that I've kept under wraps:
drjim (Before the contest)
Ahhh Webbie, what a STORYLINE! Let me see ... you add a rock formation with facial expressions ... a Mr. Stubborn at the helm ... an eventful trip into Rapid City - see where this is going? Gawd Awlmighty ... did he inquire if there were a manger with hay someplace? Least he coulda done was consult with The Wise Men, where in heck where they? Aye well, I am SURE your trip with WL had PLENTY of fun and adventures throughout nevertheless! Perhaps WL should seriously consider getting his Pilot's License and fly his Lear Jet o'er Rushmore pronto? Keep on writing!
& ... (After the contest)
WW - GREAT NL! Annnnnnnnd .... drum roll please... thank you for featuring me in a WDC Contest! I was clearly impressed with how folks do their homework, and the level of interest was most flattering as well. Thank you sweetums! 
Yup, the truth is out there, WL. They all know who you are, now.
Hannah ♫♥♫ 
Well. of course WebLock is none other than drjim?
Well of course he is Hanny. But then, you knew that, didn't you?!!
That's why those in the know couldn't play. 
A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo
"No worries, Web~Witch, we'll come back some day."
-WW, I think after two glorious years, we'll come anywhere with ya any day (though if no one's solved the Web-Lock mystery by then, he'd have to wear disguises. I'll start clearing my Halloween schedules for the next 5 years, just in case you like the idea!
Nice work as always, and brava WW on your 2 sensational years editing the Comedy Newsletter for Writing.Com! ~Drew
Thank you so much, Drew.
Congratulations on being the first place winner of my contest. You were a great detective! 
billwilcox
It is interesting to me how family vacations are perceived. Everyone knows that a trip with your family is like the most stressful expedition you could ever experience. You come home more tired than when you left. I think vacation means your brain has vacated--or basically, you've lost your mind.
I won't argue with that logic, Bill. The trouble is, the next time a vacation is perceived as needed, I'll forget all of this wisdom you have just shared and head out on another adventure that is sure to give me more material for another Comedy Newsletter, somewhere down the road. 
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW!
Drew is so smart. What a great detective! There is so totally a trail of sigs that leads from you to Dr.J, especially "Invalid Item" . I completely missed them. I blame it on overwork and stress - that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. And congrats on your second anniversary as Comedy Newsletter Editor. You're a wonderful writer and I enjoy your NLs every month!  -- Laura
Laura, you are making me  again! Thank you for all your kind words.
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month!
WW
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