 Comedy: March 31, 2010 Issue [#3621] |
  Comedy
This week: It's Just a Little, Green Ball Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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I am a novice at golf. I started learning the game last summer. My golf instructor is no other than Web-Lock. Okay, okay, you can see the issues that arise when you live with your golf instructor, right?!!  Well, just in case you don't ...
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Happy spring, folks! Ah, the sound of birds singing; the trees are budding and it's time to dust off the golf bag and get ready to hit the greens. 
"Web~Witch, wake up, we are going to practice your chipping and putting today. "
"Can I have my coffee, first?"
"The putting green waits for no one. You've got to be tough and disciplined in this game. Now let's get there before the crowd!"
Alright, I'm overdoing it a little. The fact is, I love the game and can't wait to get back to it. I learned so much last year. WL is really a good teacher. He's not too shabby to look at, either!  . Plus, I just ordered some of those cute golf skorts that the pros wear on TV. 
However, in the earlier days of learning, I remember some moments that were a little embarrassing and others that teed me off!  WL took me to a par 3 golf course to let me get the feel of what it was like to be playing somewhere else besides the town ball field.
"Webbie, there are hills, valleys, water and sand traps. It will be challenging and lots of fun. I'll just tee-off for you so we don't keep the game waiting for those behind us. You've gotten very good with the putting and chipping, so you'll have no problem there. "
I let him take the driver and swing. That ball was air born. I thought, boy, am I going to look good when I catch up to the party in front of us. They are going to see that ball fly right over them, then, I will stake claim to that well-guided missile ball! Yes, WW rules!
We moved our golf carts forward three-hundred yards to find the balls. There was Web-Lock's ball, nice and neatly placed on the fringe of the green. I looked all over for my ball, which was a bright green, so we'd know the difference. Then, I noticed this green object, lying in the sand trap. Well, I could have done that on my own, folks. I didn't need WL to drive the ball into the trap for me!
He felt bad and said he would take the trapped ball and I could have his. I, not wanting to look like a poor sport, said I'd handle the trapped ball.
His eyes lit up. The smile was huge on his face. I knew he was proud of me, his student, for taking the hard shot. He was also proud of himself as my instructor.
All of a sudden, a hawk flew over-head getting WL's attention. He was mesmerized at the majestic Red Tail, and forgot about me, in the sand trap. I tried to take my best shot to get the ball out of the trap. The club made contact with the ball. I felt encouraged! The ball lifted off the sand and hit the side of the trap and rolled back down. I tried again; the same thing happened. Then, I noticed WL still wasn't paying attention, so I picked up that blasted green sphere from hell, and threw it with ease onto the green. (I used to play softball in my younger years. ) WL heard me cheer and turned to see me pointing to my ball on the green. He was so proud of me. I got a big hug and a pat on the back. When the moment faded a little, he turned to look at the ball and then down at my seven iron and said, "You threw it, didn't you?" Uh, how could he tell?!!! 
I confessed and told him I didn't want to hold the game up for the people behind us. "Etiquette, right, WL?"
"Erh, yes, WW, I have been rushing you along. You're right, this is not the place to dawdle. But you are going to be practicing your chipping shots from the bottom of the hill in the back yard."
I guess I crushed his "instructor" ego. He probably worried that somebody saw my quick throw.
At the next hole, I felt a new confidence. I told him I would use my brand new driver and tee-off by myself. He looked a little concerned about that, but stepped back. Folks it was like magic. I had the perfect form, the club felt great. I brought my arms toward my shoulder, twisted like a pro, and let the club fall like a pendulum toward the ball followed by a text book follow through. I exhaled and looked toward the sky for my ball. I couldn't see it. I thought I hit it so well, it went faster than my ability to raise my head and spot it. I couldn't contain my excitement.
"WL, did you see where my ball went? It really must be way out there!"
Web~Witch, look down at your feet."
That little green bas---I mean ball, was right there all the time. Is there such a thing as a phantom thump? Because I thought I felt contact with the ball. 
I was not a happy camper but I managed to make it through nine holes that day.
The next day, WL was mowing the lawn to prepare the ground for our practice shots. He backed-up, forgetting the basketball hoop was there. "Ouch, dagnabbit!" Whoever says dagnabbit BTW? 
"I hate this Bleepin' thing. I wish it were gone!"
I was still a little sore about the previous day's golf course failure and responded loudly with the witch-like temper I can have sometimes.
"You want this dang thing gone?"
I got into my SUV, which was parked in the driveway where the basketball hoop stood and backed her up. Contact was made, a loud crunch followed and soon the rusty eyesore was down and out. I jumped out of the car, looked Web-Lock in his very surprised face, with his mouth agape, and said, "Gone!"
Perhaps I should play golf with my SUV--no way I'm gonna miss the ball then!
It's a wrap for this month, folks!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
WW
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The Troubles with Toilets!
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redfern-p
so what happened with the fire...you can't leave it on a cliff hanger!...
that'd be like an episode of dallas ...oh God no! not dallas..
and no mention of how or what started it...come on now -your readers have an amazing wonderlust...or at least i do...loved the phone conversation though...hahaha...no way are people that dopey!...over here - you tell em you smell fire....an a nation of fire firghters turn up...it's over kill!
thanks webbie...ya nailed it again!..
We left our home for a couple days. Most of the house is undamaged, thank God. I thought we'd lose it for sure, between the 911 call and the actual appearance of fire trucks. Thanks for your concern, Paul. I couldn't help but see it as comedy in the making. There were too many oddities to let it go!
Acme 
Thanks for highlighting one of my stories, WW  I sure hope you got that coffee in the end...
Yes, Acme, coffee, wonderful, hot coffee, finally came to me. An angel wearing an EMT uniform, offered us and the firemen, coffee. Unfortunately, the same angel offered me that cheap, imitation spring water. Oh, darn, now I'm going to think about how that coffee was made! 
You're welcome for the highlight. 
Winnie Kay 
I love your NLs, WW. Your sense of humor is so refreshing. To find hilarious sarcasm within one's self as their house is burning is testimony to your talent. I like your style of thinking outside the box. I believe humor is a gift. It can't be learned, only nurtured and developed. You certainly have the gift!
winnie
Why, thank you, Winnie! You make me blush! Really, though, it was like watching a cartoon. The mind is quite foggy at times like this. I had to think of something positive about the whole thing. Thinking about the conversation with the 911 relay, just cracked me up! It sort of blossomed from there.
Thanks for the feedback!
Harlow Flick, Right Fielder 
What is the difference between a turkey and an airplain?
- If you don't know, then you are required to never cook for thanksgiving day.
Cheers, Francis Wolfang.
Well, Wolfgang, if we are talking about our domestic turkeys rather than wild turkeys, then I must say the difference is, the airplane can fly! May I cook for Thanksgiving, now? Thank you!
It was great talking turkey with you.
drjim
WW - a moving tribute to a fellow writer who touched the hearts of many, just like our beloved kansaspoet did for so very, very long. We will miss Judy for the bright light she brought into our homes - and into our hearts!
On an upbeat note, this NL is HILARIOUS!! "Can you describe, Ma'am, what your house looks like?"
Answer: "IT'S THE ONE ON FIRE!"
Too funny! Vintage WW comedy for the ages!!!
"Warmly",
DrJ
Thank you for your kind words, Dr. J. Judy will be missed here.
I thought it was a silly question to ask. I guess some dispatchers follow a form with questions to ask. If you have to wait until the smoke is blinding before action begins, it's quite obvious which house on the street needs attention! That's okay, though. It's real life things like this that give me more material for the CNL! Thank God for dumb questions!
Duchess Laughing Lemurs
Aha, so THAT'S how you get humor out of a house fire. Now I know if that ever happens to me. Thanks, WW, for showing us how to look at the humorous silver lining of a bad situation!
I couldn't resist! The blatant idiocy of it all would make one either laugh or cry. I always prefer finding the humor in life's weird situations.
Thanks, Grace. I appreciate your feedback.
Joy 
You really have that funny bone, WW.
I couldn't laugh at a house fire the way you do. At a hurricane, yes. Housefire, no.
I hope you had your coffee finally without spilling it on the paramedic who "was not amused."
Thanks for the laughs.
Thanks for the feedback, Joy! I did get that coffee. In fact I went back for seconds. I would tackle any firefighter who stood in the way of that carafe of coffee! You understand how important the first cup is for the start of the day? It is the most important meal of the day! Or, is that breakfast? Nah, it's got to be coffee!
Comment via email:
LJPC - the tortoise
WW!
So sorry to hear about your disaster -- I can't believe you're making light of you house fire. But, then again, nothing is safe from the slashing keystrokes of WebWitch!
Beware all...
Laura
PS. Truly hope you and yours are okay.
Thank you for your concern, Laura. We are all fine.
You're right about nothing being safe from my finding humor in it. It's a gift and a curse!
Thanks for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
Catch you next month!
WW
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