 Comedy: March 03, 2010 Issue [#3581] |
  Comedy
This week: It's Too Early for a House Fire Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Several weeks ago I was awakened to this, "Webwitch, there's fire in the basement. Get ready to leave the house."
"Okay, WW, what humor could you possibly find in that situation?"
Well, it goes like this ...
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. Spring is almost upon us here in the Northern Hemisphere and the thought of warm spring air is on everyone's mind right now.
I suppose if you have to have a house fire, spring would be better than having one on the last day of January, when you are forced out of your home and into below freezing temperatures. Yes, it was a Sunday morning and I was shaken awake by WL with the fire announcement.
"But, Web-Lock, we can't have a fire, I haven't had my coffee, yet!" Seriously, folks, give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt. 
I threw on some clothes, headed downstairs and bumped into Web-Son, who had just dialed 911 on the cell phone. The conversation went something like this ...
"Yes, hello, there is smoke coming out of the beams in the basement."
"Hold a moment please, while I look-up your location. Yes, I see where you are, I am going to patch you over to Web-Town. "
"This is the Web-Town, police department. What is your emergency"
"The beams in the basement are on fire!"
"Okay, just hold while I connect you to the Web-Town fire department." I imagined elevator music in the background." 
"This is the Web-Town, fire department, what's the problem?"
"My house is still on fire!"
"Give us your address, please."
34 Witch Hazel Street, Web-Town."
"Okay, let me see--uhh, could you describe your house?"
"Yes, it's the one on fire!"
I know I live in a tiny hamlet, folks, but that was ridiculous!
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the fire chief. There wasn't a fire truck present, nor were there any firefighters standing by him.
"Hello, I am the chief and I am here to check and see if there is indeed a fire at this residence."
"Excuse me? Do you really get many fake fire calls from residents in this town?"
"Well, Ma'am, we just like to be very sure that we need to call in the big trucks."
Once he was convinced that we were not having a barbeque, that in fact the house was on fire, he radioed for the two-town partnership fire brigade to come on down.
In the meantime, we were told to leave the house. I begged him to no avail, to give me a few more minutes to brew some coffee. After all, I had just been rudely awakened by a house fire and my brain was still a little cob-Webbie.
I started exiting the house as the firemen with long hoses entered.  I passed by the room where my computer sat, made a mad dash for it, almost knocking the chief over as I tripped on hoses. He missed grabbing my arm by millimeters and I was able to scoop up my laptop, run to the desk and grab, (you're not going to believe this) all of the tax form information I would need for the upcoming filing date. I had a choice to either grab the tax documents or the pictures of my children. I was reduced to saying, "let 'em burn"--anything except having to tangle with the IRS! 
Content with my booty, I then smiled at the chief and headed outside. Within moments, a paramedic asked me if I was cold.
"Cold? I just ran out of a burning house!"
She was not amused. 
WL tried to go back into the house to grab some bottled water, but was not allowed to enter. I was dying of thirst by then and still hadn't had my coffee.
WL, WS, and I, sat in the car, munching on a bag of almonds we leave there for hunger emergencies and watched the long ladder hovering over our roof and chimney. Soon after, a parade of firefighters dragged out parts of my house and placed them in the snow.
One of the paramedics was walking toward us with a huge smile on her face, carrying some bottled water. I looked at Web-Lock and said, "Those don't look like Poland Spring waters. You know I can't drink those other brands. They are merely, cheap, purified, municipal tap water. I don't want to think about all of that purifying and what is floating around it that needs the purifying. I just want water that comes from this spring in Poland. The Polish people sure know how to find a great tasting, mountain spring."  (Which reminds me. What nationality is Santa Claus? He's North Polish, of course!)
Well folks, I accepted the cheap, inferior, non-spring, municipal water, so as not to offend the lady. 
I ask you, how many more sacrifices was I supposed to make before I even had MY VERY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE OF THE DAY?!!!
That's all she wrote folks.
Until next time, laugh hard--laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch |
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drjim
Ah WW, Driving School is it? Well, I feel so sorry for that poor Driving Instructor whom should have "looked" before the vehicle 'took a leap'! Nothing like experience to keep people towing the line as you so expertly noted! It's even critical to do so when making baskets from the free-throw line!  GREAT NL, par excellence as usual! - DrJ
I was a victim of circumstance--what can I say?
Hey, I'm a great driving instructor! I instructed my kids to go elsewhere for their lessons.
Thanks for the feedback, Dr. J!
Being Diane 
You made me a hit. Two of my writings. As you noticed I took your idea for fun out of funeral. You are great.
I've attached another funny of mine This one has a deep meaning to it; in other words know the defintion of a word before turning a story in to a teacher about a news article.
Diiane
"Invalid Item"
Yup, it got my attention! I guess you are still on the hit list. 
Thanks for the comment and the submission. 
Ghostranch
I read this newsletter about ten minutes after getting home from my second ever driving lesson! I was feeling stressed as I am finding learning to drive a pretty daunting experience. However, this put a big smile on my face. I made a few mistakes in my lessons but I haven't driven into a ditch... yet! There's always my third lesson on Monday... hopefully it won't happen though. Wish me luck! Thanks for the laugh.
Good luck, Ghostranch! Hey, you've already got a step up on me; you haven't driven into a ditch yet. You are going to be a driving genius! I think I'm jealous.
Morgan Adam Internet Problems!
As always, you had me seriously laughing!! - Morgan
Nobody, but NOBODY, loves serious laughter more than I do!
Thanks for the feedback, Morgan!
trepness
BTW...just WHAT is a clutch?????
Just kidding! I was born in 1953. The car we used driver's training was the "new" automatic variety, while the family car was the "clutch, brake, gas" kind. With the five of us children going through the same training in the same way, our parents, by the end of each one of us, was ready to quit and apply for a job overseas, leaving us home! I can laugh about it now, though. Thanks for sparking some great memories. trep
Memories--they certainly do tell...a person's age! OMG, where was me in 1953?!!! Hmmmm? I'll never tell!
It was great hearing from you, Trep! 
Thank you, folks, for your feedback! We editors really appreciate it.
See you next month.
WW
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