 Comedy: December 30, 2009 Issue [#3464] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Sophurky  
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Two girlfriends were talking at a New Year's Eve party. The talk got around to what their resolutions would be.
"I'm going to start a diet to get rid of all of these extra pounds I put on over the holidays," Kim said.
"Good!" Katrina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" Kim replied. "I'll ride with you."
Hi, I'm Sophurky ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter, where we'll talk about, you guessed it, the New Year!
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Happy Almost New Year!
YIKES! It's almost 2010. Where in the heck did 2009 go? Seriously ....... how did that happen?
So um, ready or not, welcome to 2010 -- the second decade of the 2000's. Here's my first question ... okay I guess it's technically my second question, no, oops, it's my third question since I already asked two in the first sentence .... um, where was I? Oh yeah, my THIRD question is, what do we call it? It was easy to refer to 2009 -- most of us just called it '09, or maybe "two-thousand-and-nine." But what do we call this new year? "Twenty-ten" maybe? Or "two-thousand-and-ten." I like shorthand, like '09 -- but '0-10 sounds weird. Back in the first part of the 20th Century, didn't they say "aught-five" for 1905? Maybe we can say "aught-ten" or something. Aw heck, I'm just going to go with "twenty-ten" and be done with it because frankly, I'll still be writing 2009 on my checks until at least March.
So with those inane important matters out of the way, how will you celebrate the beginning of both a new year AND a new decade? Any new resolutions you plan to make (and probably break within the first month) for the new year? Not me. I'm tired of setting myself up for failure. Here are some past resolutions I have made (and not met) throughout the last decade:
 RESOLVED: I will write more often in my WdC blog, no matter how boring, banal, bland, or redundant. 
Hmmm, let's see -- the last time I wrote in my blog was Nov. 28, 2009. Not too bad, actually, unless you notice that before that date, I hadn't written since Oct. 15, 2009, and before that it was Sept. 10, 2009. I sense a trend. And not in a good way.
RESOLVED: I will lose 10 pounds over the coming year.
Hmmm, that doesn't sound too hard -- lose 10 pounds over the course of a year? Anyone can do that. It's not like I challenged myself to lose 10 pounds a month or anything so ......... <heads to the scale> ........... yeah, um, okay. Does gaining 10 pounds instead of losing 10 pounds count? At least it's still 10 pounds involved, right?!
RESOLVED: I will stop watching so much television and do something more creative, like writing.
If anything, I now watch MORE TV than I ever used to watch, ever since we got all of those new HD channels. Too bad I can't get hired to write ABOUT television, then I'd have it made!
Well, you get the point here. So from now on I resolve not to make any New Year's Resolutions and that way I am guaranteed success! Or maybe I should make them more realistic, and fun -- maybe that way I could actually fulfill them. Like ........
RESOLVED: I will laugh at least five times a day.
That should be easy -- I love to laugh, I am surrounded by funny people, and laughter is good for me physically and mentally -- so I should be able to handle this one. Heck, just log onto WdC once a day and read Robert Waltz  's blog ought to do the trick!
RESOLVED: I will eat and/or drink at least one unhealthy thing per day. More than one is optional and allowed.
I got this one covered, no problem.
RESOLVED: I will not beat myself up for not writing in my WdC blog. It's just a silly blog that hardly anyone reads, after all -- it's not like I'm featured on the Huffington Post.
Another easy one.
RESOLVED: I will not watch one second or more of anything on Fox News, nor will I attend any Fox News Tea Parties.
Seriously -- did anyone give ANY thought to the name of that organization before they named it? Tea Parties?? Tea Bags?!? Tea Bagg_ _ _ ? For real? And Fox News? Come on. We all know that Glenn Beck is really an Audio-Animatronic Disney creation -- no human being could cry that easily, and often, on cue.
So hey, I can fulfill these resolutions with ease! So maybe I'll take back my resolution not to make any resolutions and go with these four. And I promise to report back to you in a year how I did! 
Sophurky |
Below you'll find some offerings from other WDC members about New Year's, celebrations, resolutions, etc. :
First, a few from "The Writer's Cramp" :
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And some other odds and pieces (emphasis on "odd"):
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Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
https://www.Writing.Com/go/nl_form
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Now for a few comments about my last newsletter about going back home for a visit:
From DRSmith 
Your hometown tale reminded me of my first date. After weeks of doing the usual dating things, we found ourselves engaged in a rather passionate embrace, when my date sighed and asked me "to kiss her where it smells." So, obligingly, I took her to Detroit. She never spoke to me again. Where did I go wrong?
BWAH! Are you related to billwilcox?! Thanks for the laugh, that was a good one. Tho I am puzzled about ... oh nevermind.
   
From Georgianna Lyn d'Juracetys 
Sophy- are you sure that your town isn't somewhere near the SW corner of the Michigan Indiana boarder, on the Indiana side?
Yes, quite sure -- head a couple of states west and one state south, NW Corner, and you'll be close, lol.
From LJPC - the tortoise
What a marvelous descriptio of a terrible town. Not exactly a Norman Rockwell scene, was it? Thanks for making the awful place where I live seem a little less awful in comparison.
Laura
You are most welcome -- glad to oblige!
From Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ 
This Newsletter was a riot, Sophy! Everybody realizes at one time or another, you can go back from whence you came, but it's not always a welcome feeling. Thanks for highlighting my story about moving to Wyoming.  I actually did go back for a visit there. It sure stirred-up some interesting memories.
WW
Glad you enjoyed it -- high praise coming from our own Comedy Queen!
And a couple from a previous newsletter about my GPS, Samantha:
From odenthal1128
Sophy - Thanks for featuring my "Driving Dainty" piece from way back in this newsletter. I have just started devoting time here again and thought I would catch up on old newsletters. Your GPS experience is GREAT! Mine, I believe, does actually sigh each time it instructs me to "At your earliest convenience make a U-Turn". I think that if my device had a German lady available I would have heard from her by now. Or maybe she is the one I hear sobbing softly after an hour on the road. Anyway, great to be back on-site and reading the Newsletters!
You are most welcome -- glad to share funny writing with the WdC masses. And glad to have you back with us!
From Sanchez
Hi Sophy,from Charlie. For the life of me, I cannot understand why you bought a sophisticated device (GPS). If you did not intend to use it all the time while driving. I cannot afford a GPS so when I drive I use road maps. If I get lost, I am the type of man that will ask directions from any person that's available.
A man who asks for directions?!?! <FAINT>
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, Robert Waltz and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! Sophurky
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