 Comedy: December 16, 2009 Issue [#3439] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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"I had thought — I had been told — that a 'funny' thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn't. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery... and a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat."
- Valentine Michael Smith
(Robert Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land) |
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That Time of Year
Yes, folks... it's sick season. I spent last week sneezing, sniffling, snorting and hacking up indescribable stuff.
So, because I'm sick (and lazy), I'll be cribbing my blog entries about it. It's not plagiarism if you copy from yourself, right? And if you're sick? Well, I'm getting better, but I'm still cribbing.
Every time I get a cold, with the accompanying buckets of snot in my nose, I never have tissues at hand. So I have to use the nearest thing I can find - usually, toilet paper.
By the time I get to the store to buy tissues and give the cashier the cold, my nose is as red as Rudolph's, and I have to get the lotion kind, which always feels like I'm blowing my nose with a moist towelette left over from the 1960s. This time, my nose actually cracked. Yep, cracked, like an empty lakebed.
You'd think that if it's soft enough to use on your butt, it'd be soft enough to use on your nose, but you'd be wrong.
It's almost enough to make me want to shave off my goatee, because I can never be sure of not having snot all in my mustache after an hour-long nose-blowing session - but then what happens is as soon as the stubble comes back, it collects tissue bits and then I end up looking like the rear end of one of those Charmin bears.
I hate having a cold.
But hey, at least I didn't oink.
You know what else sucks about having a cold? Besides being unable to sleep, having a nose that runs faster than an illegal alien in Brownsville, displacing vertebrae every time I cough, screwing up my face like a prude viewing erotica for the first time every time I get one of those sinus itches, blowing through three packages of tissues a day, and having everyone else treat you like a leper?
This:
"Are you taking anything for it?"
NO. I'm not taking anything for it. You know why? Because nothing will make it go away. The best I can do is moderately alleviate the symptoms, and the snake oil they sell over the counter is next to worthless, to me, for anything but parting me with my hard-earned cash.
But they don't listen. Everyone has his or her own favorite "remedy."
"You should take Sudafed." - not only will that get me put on a List faster than propositioning a 13-year-old (another thing I'm not going to do, by the way, just so you know), but it dries out my throat to the point where it's painful to swallow.
"Drink lots of that Emergen-C stuff." - placebo.
"Take 'Airborne'" - ditto.
"Mix up some sugar, lime juice, and honey." - Yeah, that's real scientific.
"Tea?" - Yeah, okay, that makes me feel better for a while, but I like tea anyway.
No one ever seems to mention how great it would be to chug an entire bottle of rum. I imagine that would knock the cold right out - along with me.
So, no, I'm not taking anything. Go back to treating me like a leper. That way I don't have to croak out why your patent concoction won't work, between spine-shattering coughing fits.
Looks like when this is over, I'll be visiting my chiropractor. (Yes, I know they're quacks, too. But at least she's cute.)
Okay, chicken soup might work - but only if it were made by a Jewish mother. That's just how it is.
...
And I got lots of helpful and sympathetic comments. One of my favorites? Kåre เลียม Enga  wrote, "Visiting the tropics... won't cure you, but it would be a nice change of view."
Like I need an excuse to visit Belize? |
Lazy, remember? So I did a search on the keyword "sick." Somehow I don't think all of these are going to be about having a cold...
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Last time, I described the apocalypse that ensues when retailers start Christmas before Thanskgiving.
billwilcox: Hilarious, Robert! Starbucks, where the bucks are made of stars! 
Shooting stars, maybe.
Angelica Weatherby- Bday mom15  : Lol Robert!   Why is your newsletter about the Holidays then? It's before Thanksgiving...  Good newsletter.
So that when I did feedback THIS month, it'd be timely!
sarahreed: Hahaha! Thanks for the laughs on giving me new names for stores. I've never heard of Buns & Noodles before or Squall*Mart. Here's another one for you. My family always calls Target "Bummer of a Birthmark." It's because an old Far Side cartoon of two deers. One has a birthmark on its chest in the shape of a target. The other deer is looking at it and says, "Bummer of a birthmark."
I'm so stealing that. And I have another name for Buns & Noodle, one that's probably not appropriate to a mixed-company newsletter
And that's it for me for this month... this year... this decade
| Yes, I know that the decade technically ends next year, but when has that stopped us before? |
LAUGH ON!!! |
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