 Comedy: November 04, 2009 Issue [#3359] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: SophyBells  
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| Hi, I'm SophyBells ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. This week we'll talk about the wonders of Global Positioning Systems (GPS), and the benefits of befriending the people who live inside them. |
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Traveling with Samantha
I have come to appreciate Samantha. Like is too strong a word -- and love, well, of course I do not love Samantha. But I am starting to feel some affection for her. And I think we might become friends some day.
Samantha is the woman who lives inside my GPS -- no, not my Gift Points  -- I'm talking about my Global Positioning System. She tells me how to get where I need to go, which offramp to take, what time I'll get to my destination, and how many miles to the nearest rest stop. And although she's not the warmest voice in cyber-world, she is certainly more patient with me than I deserve, especially when I choose to ignore her brilliant directions and go my own way, which I so often do, thinking I know better than a Global Positioning System. And she replies, with the merest hint of a sigh in her voice, "Recalculating ..." and gets me back on course.
I am currently 700 miles from home in Hagerstown, MD. My husband is taking a week-long class so I came along to take in the nearby Civil War sites and historic downtown areas. I am accompanied on my site-seeing by my mother, Phyllis  , my yellow lab, Kayla, and Samantha -- who got us here safely and only 2+ hours late (to be fair it wasn't her fault that truck blew-up and left us sitting, not moving, for over an hour on I-70 outside Columbus, Ohio). Anyway, the point is we have never been to Hagarstown, MD before and we arrived in the wee hours of the morning (2:30am to be exact), and Samantha got us here perfectly, with no misdirection and with, in fact, clear, concise, calm directions which were very helpful for the bleary-eyed drivers in our car.
So why, on our first morning here, after a mere three hours of sleep, did I not trust her when she tried to direct me to the Hagerstown, MD Visitor Center? Why did I trust the stupid sign at the corner of Washington St. and Summit Ave and turn right instead of waiting to turn at Church St, as instructed by Samantha? Why did I not just leave the directions in her capable voice and let her guide me there in the 10 minutes predicted from our motel instead of driving around for 40 minutes in circles thinking I knew better? WHY?!?! Finally in great frustration I decided I had nothing to lose and after getting hopelessly lost on the narrow one-way streets of historic downtown Hagerstown, I decided to quit trusting that stupid sign on the corner of Washington and Summit and pointed to the right and said, "Visitor Center" and let Samantha guide me there. So of course we were parked in front of the Visitor Center 3 minutes later.
With travel guides in our little plastic bag we headed off to the closest destination since we were still so exhausted from the 700-mile drive the night before and went to visit the Antietam National Battlefield, site of an historic Civil War battle that only lasted one day but killed thousands (yeah, not very funny, sorry). I turned Samantha off to give her a rest, and because frankly I was embarrassed by my earlier behavior and didn't want to hear that condescending tone she sometimes gets when I don't follow her directions. It was an easy shot down the road from our motel and there were lots of those brown national park signs along the way to help us out. We went to the Antietam Visitor Center and took the driving tour of the battlefield sites. It was a beautiful day and we got lots of nice photos, saw some amazing things, and felt good about our day.
When we were ready to return to our motel I turned the GPS back on because I knew Samantha would know the best way to get there. I trusted her completely, and was ready to put my destination in her hands. I switched her on, hit the motel in "favorite places," and off we went. Only -- and I swear this is the honest-to-god-truth -- Samantha was not directing me. Instead it was another women, speaking to me in German, giving me directions in German (I don't speak German so I had no clue what she was telling me to do). And to top it all off she called me Fraulein. I AM TOTALLY NOT MAKING THIS UP. Samantha had given up on me (who could blame her, really) and had been replaced by a very impatient, bossy, German.
My mom and I just looked at each other in shock at first -- and then when she barked another command in German we started to laugh and wondered what the heck was going on. I should probably admit here that I didn't even know there were different GPS voices since we just used the one that started talking to us when we first turned her, I mean it, on. So as I tapped my way through the various settings windows I discovered that there were a large variety of GPS voices to choose from (and discovered that the one I had been using was Samantha) in a bunch of different languages. You can have American English, American English Jack, American English Samantha (my new BFF) -- plus British English males and females, Germans, Afrikaners, and Aussies. I was disappointed not to find a pirate voice but later discovered you can download new voices online (like Gollum from LotR, Cartman from South Park, or Homer Simpson) -- who knew!? Not me obviously. 
Back to my story -- someone had done something to our GPS and changed the voice. But the only one we left in car alone with Samantha was Kayla and she's not a very good typist. I knew my mom hadn't done it since she doesn't even know how to receive a text message on her cell phone. So that left only one alternative -- Samantha had quite literally quit and turned me over to the mean German lady! I apologized to Samantha, got her back as the voice of my GPS, and she got us back to the motel, safely, of course, and by the fastest way. I shall never doubt her again -- she scares the beejebus outta me!
SophyBells |
Since, much to my shock, there weren't 10 Comedy Items about Global Positioning Systems, below you'll find some humorous offerings from other WDC members about maps, Germany, driving, getting lost, and travel in general: Oh, and one about a GPS.
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| |  | On The Road (E)
{Contest} When you go on a car trip shouldn't someone at least know how to get there?
#1201444 by Nanapockets  |
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I got LOTS of great suggestions for Halloween costumes as a result of my last newsletter -- THANK YOU for all the great (and funny!) ideas. Too late to use this year, but maybe you can use one for your next costume party.
From Winnie Kay 
Hey Sophie - I have a costume idea. Cut a hole in an old table. Make the hole big enough for you to fit through. With nails or glue, attach a lamp to the table, along with other appropriate items. Pull the table over your head and presto --- you're a ONE NIGHT STAND.
Sorry - couldn't resist.
winnie 
!!
    
From afineline
As far as your halloween costume goes, you could always dress 'formally' and say you're corporate management, or worse, from the IRS. I've always found this to be scary, funny and a stab at the government, all in one gesture!
Or, you could use halloween make-up to look like a severe drug abuser. Scary, true, and impactful.
Or finally, don't try to be 'scary', but be unique and mysterious in your own way. Throw together some elegant costume, wear a mask, add some pale skin or blood, and there you go. Even the nicest outfits can be scary!
And, as always, excellent newsletter!
You had me at IRS agent -- SCREAM! 
From Waltz Invictus 
Well, Sophy, I'm even less creative than you are when it comes to costumes. You could always go with my old standby: Wear ordinary clothes, but carry a box of Cheerios with a knife through it. Then when people look at you funny, tell them you're a cereal killer.
Yeah that sounds right about my speed, thanks Robert! 
From murle44
I decided to costume up and meet all the little and big darlings at the door with a real treat. I put on an old purple and blue striped house coat and stuffed a small pillow under the coat so that it wrapped around my back and over my right shoulder. I wore blue jeans and an old pair of work boots. I wore a full head mask that I purchased at Walmart. The mask is that of an old man with a balding head and stringy grey hair on the sides. The face is a bit snarly with some missing teeth. I guess I look like an old hunchback. I greet everyone with a low voiced "Good Evening, welcome to my home."
The reactions I get are very interesting. The little darlings are usually frightened so I remove the mask to give them their treats and to show it is just a costume. The older ones also get a fright and have various reactions such as "is that really your face?" to "I remember you from last year"
Doing this is quite a blast and the evening passes rather quickly. You should try it!
Oh my, sounds like a lot of work -- are you sure hiding in my basement watching TV wouldn't help the evening pass just as quickly?
From Zoe Graves 
wear a button down white shirt and black pants and write 98 degrees (with little circle thing that i can't manage to make on my keyboard) on a nametag and go as a temp. or wear all pink and put either a small stand or end table or a cardboard one you made on your head, legs facing down, and go as a wad of gum. or wear a slip and write freudian on it. i got more.
Wow, you are a veritable treasure chest of simple costume ideas, thanks!
From Catherine Hall
Do you have long hair? Or short hair? Or NO hair? If my lads make me dress up in costume this year, I'm going as a witch. After all, my younger son's classmates used to mistake me for one when I colletced him from school. Long(ish) black skirt, 'old lady' style blouse or shapeless jumper, preferably gharishly patterned,long greying hair (or maybe you could comb in some talc), dull flat shoes. Alternatively, sexy witch with vamp clothes and makeup, or comedy witch with wild short hair, clashing short clothes (think Austin Powers era).
No hair? NO HAIR! I've got long luxurious blonde locks, thank-you-very-much. Snort.
From Just an Ordinary Boo!
I did this for my son, when he was a kid, no reason to think it will not work now.
Take any old, straight-cut dress - wither black or white is good. Cut out all the large headlines that you can find, try to get the disaster and death ones. Stick onto the dress all angles and places until there's barely any material showing. Then tell people the news is the scariest thing you could think of, so you are going as news headlines!
Or else, just get yourself a handy white coat, the kind docs are reputed to wear. Make it a little bloodstained and other green (bile) and (yellow(who wants to guess?) stains too. Make fake intestines from stuffing an old stocking and pulling some threads to get it a bit wrinkled and folded. cardboards cut-outs of fake kidneys or spleens would help. These bulge out of his pockets. You are just back from an 'organ harvest' - scary, huh? The real things in life are scary enough!
Jyo
I like the news one -- the intestines sound like too much work. Did I mention I'm lazy? 
From Georgianna Lyn d'Juracetys
Sophy too bad you didn't live in Brunswick Georgia- I've got a couple of awesome costumes-- I used to show arabian horses and have western outfits, English, and Native Costume (dress up like an Arab Sheik or even belly dancer, or more modest princess.
Is your husbands waist bigger or smaller than yours? If bigger- take his oldest nasties rattiest pair of pants and make them nastier a few splashes of bleaacher here and there and then ad more staines -ketchup, chocloate, jelly, mustard , motor oil, grass stains and some judicial slashes here and there and fray the cuffs . Then wash-- do the same to his biggest shirt. Take a pillow and stuff your belly, use some eyeliner to give yourself a dirt sumdges here and there on face and hands and any skin visible, and get a lot of super hold mousse-- if your hair is short make it it in short pikey disarray, if long twist it into dreadlocks. Get some paper bags and stuff a bunch of odds and ends in them -and a pair of ratty bedroom slippers and wa la-- you are a bag lady.
In the event he is thinner waisted- put on a pair of his boxer shorts-- the more ridiculous the better- spit the seat and use a belt to keep them on, with the boxers showing
Lyn
I refuse to admit if his waist is smaller or bigger than mine. Oh wait, that kind of answers your question, doesn't it?
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, Waltz Invictus and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! SophyBells
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