 Comedy: July 08, 2009 Issue [#3149] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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I am a live and let live person. However, when a nasty, destructive rodent tries to take control of my laundry room, there’s going to be trouble! If you are not super-sensitive to rodent eradication, read on ...
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Hello folks. Yeah, I know, you just heard from me two weeks ago, however, I am your guest host for this week’s Comedy Newsletter, so try to bear with me. 
I had no idea what I would share with you this week, until a close family member discussed feeding squirrels and how expensive it is.
Regrettably, that conversation gave me a terrible flashback. You see, I do not have a tender spot in my heart for that over-sized rodent with an insatiable appetite. Let’s hop into Webwitch’s time machine and let me take you back to the year 2001.
It was a lovely spring day and I was diligently working at reducing the laundry pile, which could have received entry into the mile high club. Well, not that my laundry was especially animated in that respect, however, it was what I referred to as Mount Saint Laundry. It could reach to thirty thousand feet when my back was turned, thus it reminds me of the height of the aforementioned club. Oh, come on! No, I am not going to explain this mile high thing any further. Furthermore, I don't know why they call it mile high when it's over 5,280 feet. Remember me and math problems? Sheesh, you guys are tough!  Anyway, I was doing the laundry, okay? I heard this scratching, gnawing noise in the ceiling part of this converted porch area, dubbed the laundry room.
I tried to ignore the irritating crackling of insulation above my head. It’s bad enough to do wash after wash so far away from the stereo, without the speaker system properly in place, but a rascally squirrel eating its way through the ceiling--no thank you!
I must explain that this older home had an unfinished laundry room. The insulation was up and it had a plastic covering over it. The true ceiling had not been added to it yet. So, when I looked up to find out what was causing that noise, I saw this furry, little face with eyes from hell, staring back at me. I swear, Stephen King would have started writing at this moment. No, seriously, they were glowing red.  Subsequently, I grabbed for the broom nearby and began poking at this intruding rodent. It managed to escape into a crack somewhere, which means that our siding had been most likely compromised.
I told my husband about it that evening. He went into the laundry room and said there was nothing there. However, if I would feel better, he would buy a trap for the little pest. “Sure, I said!” Well, he came home the next night without the trap. He said we would get it in the Home Depot after we food shopped the next day.
It was that night that I decided I would not enter the room until the rodent was captured. He said he would finish the laundry. I know, I know, bad, bad Webwitch! He ended that evening of washing and drying totally convinced this creature was a figment of my imagination. Now, we know WW has a fertile imagination, however, I will not be told I am daft unless I say I am daft. Even then, which is often, I will not allow another to call me daft!
Saturday we headed for the stores to get our food and rodent eradication products bought. That sounds so weird in the same sentence! When we returned home, the unbeliever grabbed the bleach and detergent and brought it to the laundry room. What followed was both eerie, and comical at the same time. I heard this scream and a door slam. My mind went right into rodent gear and I said, “you found it, didn’t you?”  Does flying squirrel ring a bell? He claims this creature flew at him from the rafters!
Well, you should have seen this man slamming and holding the door shut as if the squirrel could manage to open the latch. He was now convinced that the demon rodent existed and was not only wreaking havoc in our laundry room, but trying to kill him in the process.
“Do you believe me now?” I interjected.
“I believe--I BELIEVE!!!”
That evening was a series of banging on the door to scare the squirrel away so my husband could get in and lay the traps. With that unpleasant job over, we retired for the evening.
You may have already guessed that WW is a night hawk. I just don’t lie down and go to sleep. No, I need to listen to the well known, all things weird or not, late night, talk radio show. Well, it was approximately 2:00a.m., the house was totally silent except for my softly playing background show, when I heard it. It was the most frightening, piercing sound I’ve ever heard, screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech! I said to myself, “gotcha!” However, I wondered for a long while after that why I heard a screech. I mean, a trap usually works fast. It’s quick and there is no time to react, let alone yell out. I was perplexed. 
Morning arrived and my husband said he wanted to show me something. He headed for the laundry room while I followed behind. I noticed he didn’t knock before he entered. I was brave enough to follow him inside since he was the first target it would see.  He pointed up toward the skylight. Hanging from the skylight was a fly strip. You know, those old fashioned sticky paper streamers that unwind for about a foot, to catch flying insects, well, there was something added to the sticky paper, since the last time I looked. It was a length of fur that looked just like a squirrel’s tail.
Yes, folks, old bushy tail is now called “Stump” by the local librarian. You want to know something? That squirrel never made its way back into my laundry room. Once it found its way out, it stayed out!
Sunday morning arrived. It was a beautiful, sunny day and I was happy my pest problem was solved, except for the problem that my husband had to fix for a good part of the day. He had to buy several sheets of new siding. I and most of the neighborhood heard these words ... “That bleepin’ squirrel!” Then the banging of the hammer and nails on the side of the house. “That bleepin’ squirrel!!!”
“Dear, it’s Sunday, watch your language!”
“That bleepin’ squirrel , bang, bang, bang!
That’s all she wrote folks. 
Until next time-- laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
WINNER!
   Congratulations, Lornda~Thoughts with Bikerider  ! You have sent me a comedy short-short, that tickled my funny bone.  This is exactly what I was looking for when I challenged my readers in a recent Newsletter. Enjoy your Funny Merit Badge! 
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Projectile, Choco, Vomo--Oh, No!
Wanted, Dead ...
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Time to move on ... Or, Off, Or, Over ...
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Submitted Comments:
Comment on a previous Newsletter:
spazmom 
loved the comment by your grandson...Jimmy Sprinkles??? I would have laughed too. Good job.
Out of the mouths of babes! It's amazing what gives the muse a good kick in the pants, eh? What's in a name? Well, in this instance it was material for another Comedy Newsletter. Jimmy Sprinkles will not be easily forgotton. Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. 
Here are some comments from My last Comedy Newsletter:
Bluesman 
Okay... so, you are good at slapstick too! Well you pulled a smile to my face anyway "two well endowed dents in the ground" hmmm... I must figure out how to use that... my only question is, "did you bounce?" heh-heh, ummm ... no really... just teasing!
Michael
AKA; Gospel BluesMan
Bounce? They float--they all float! Thank you so much for the amusing feedback, Michael! Let me know when you find a way to use the aforementioned quote. 
Dr Taher writes again!
Dear Webwitch,
First of all, thank you for featuring my poem in your NL. Because you gave me advance notice, I subscribed to the Comedy NL, and boy! Am I glad I did? You bet. This was so fun to read. Now, on to your other recommended items ... La la.
Thank you for subscribing to the Comedy Newsletter. I am happy you enjoyed it! You're welcome for the highlight of your item, it was a fun read.
Thanks for the feedback!
Shannon 
Hilarious! Good stuff, webby. I always enjoy your NLs. Your ex sounds sweet, and I'm SO glad you're okay! Oh, and thanks for featuring my contest. 
Yeah, but WW doesn't like sweets! Thanks, Shannon! I'm glad you enjoyed the Newsletter.
You're very welcome for the contest highlight.
sarahreed
Thank you for the laugh. The way you described the porch incident was hilarious. Makes me think about my own life and how little physical comedy happens to me. Thank goodness! I have plenty of other funny moments though... One classic moment was when I was in first grade and had this pencil sharpener that I could never open. Then one day I dropped it and it popped open. I stared at it, then looked up at my teacher and said, "So that's how it works." It's a moment I've never forgotten.
Yes, life's embarrassing moments do linger, don't they? Of course if it starts in the first grade, you have many years of experience and learn to roll with the punches--or PUNCH LINES!
Thanks for the feedback, Sarah!
redfern-p
crazy story about the porch...! webbie.
has the bruising subsided yet? if it hasnt then maybe i could look for a weed called 'cumphry' in your garden and i could give a damned good rub in over the bruised areas so that it will bring out the bruising almost immediately -
also, speaking of D.I.Y i remember when i first decorated my own bed room walls - - the pattern was zig-zag lines of red and black over a grey background - anyway i forgot to plumm the walls and when i'd finished found that it wasnt level!
so much so that the lines were out by about 8 inches! - it was my first time is all i can say!
nowadays the only thing i grumble about is when my sons bury my drill bits in the garden - i must have gotten through 4 sets - come to think of it - my youngest son also be-dazzeleld my drill with glitter stars!
loved the stories of woe - and laughter
check you next time
paul
My dignity was bruised the most in this fall. My black and blues have faded away. I am as good as new, now. However, that weed you mentioned sounds interesting. It makes the bruising disappear faster? Hmmm, I may have to learn more about that.  Thanks, Paul, for the comment and helpful advice, along with the little story about DIY around your home, across the Pond. 
francie
WW ~
You know I am your faithful fan and follow every issue of this newsletter. Your humor relaxes and amuses me. You're the best.
I am in a moment of transition and time is cramped, but I wanted you to know I read one more of your crazy and lovable newsletters.
Aw, shucks, girl, you make me ! You are a very appreciated fan, Francie. I wish you all the best in your recovery and transition. Hopefully, you will always have time to laugh during the day. It's the best medicine--unless you have stitches; you could bust 'em! 
It's great to get feedback! Thanks folks.
,
WW
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