 Comedy: August 13, 2008 Issue [#2547] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Sophurky  
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You know you're getting older when ...
- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
I'm Sophurky ~ your Host for the Comedy Newsletter where this week we'll talk about the joys of getting old(er). Or not!
Note: A few people were having a hard time reading the Comic Sans font I usually use for this newsletter, so I've gone back to the old Arial standard to make it accessible to everyone. |
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I'm Gonna Be 50!
By the time you read this newsletter I'll be 48 years and 2 days old. Which means I'm now officially less than two years from turning 50! ACK! How did this happen? How did I get so old?
I'm in big trouble in August of 2010 when I turn 50. I am the youngest of three children, and when my older brother and sister turned 50 several years ago, I was merciless to them both. I started sending them those obnoxious "getting older" and "turning 50" cards weeks before their birthdays. I made sure they got their AARP membership cards. I left no 50 year old stone unturned, which was great fun for me! But now they both can have at me, together, in two years. I can only hope they are both so old by then they forget my age altogether and I can skip the torture of those two geezers coming after me!
When I was younger, people older than me told me that aging was a wonderful process. I remember when Oprah turned 40, and then 50, and talked about how much she loved being those ages, how empowered and alive she felt (I'm guessing her gazillion dollars in the bank has something to do with her feeling that way). She said that she wouldn't return to her 20's or 30's for anything -- she loved being a "mature" woman because she was stronger, more confident, worried less about silly things. Again I'm guessing all of her money helps her feel that way -- but, dear Oprah, you didn't give us the full story!
For instance -- as I approach 50, I can't believe how many pills I have to take every morning. I had to buy one of those "days of the week" pill holders just to keep it all straight! I've got pills for my arthritis (two different pills), pills for my blood pressure (two different kinds), pills for my allergies (which didn't occur until my 40's), plus a multi-vitamin, and ... let's see, what's the last one? Oh yeah, some nasty fish oil capsule. In a few years I bet my "days of the week" pill holder is the size of a lunch box! In addition, as I approach 50, I've been told to pay more attention to making sure there is enough fiber is in the food I eat. This supposedly will help with any cholesterol issues I may have looming (my overall cholesterol is fine, but my HDL is a tad too low and my LDL is a tad too high, or something like that). So now I eat bread that tastes like cardboard and a fiber cereal that tastes like a bowl of twigs with milk. Mmmmm, yummy!
As I discussed getting older with my friend darkin, she reminded me about the joy of BenGay. In our younger days, we smelled of Chanel #5 and Georgio perfumes. But nowadays we reek of "Eau de BenGay." And I remember the good old days when the store clerks would call me "Miss." Now they call me "Ma'am" and I never get carded anymore when I buy liquor -- unless I'm in a restaurant and my server is angling for a nice tip.
So I'll say it here, now, print. Oprah, you were wrong! Getting old isn't a wonderful, amazing, spiritual experience. Yeah I'll get my AARP card soon and a discount at Denny's. Big whoop. I'd rather be younger, in better shape, minus the "days of the week" pill container for sure!
Sophurky |
Below you will find some humorous items from around the site about getting older -- remember, if you enjoy them, please let the author know by reviewing and rating the piece! 
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|  | Speed Bumps (E)
Written while pondering my 55th birthday. I just have to laugh sometimes!
#875538 by Nada  |
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Here are a couple of the responses I got from my last newsletter about my misadventure on a canoe trip.
From embe
Hello Sophy,
Thanks for the great newsletter.
I really enjoyed the laughs on your trip.
embe
Glad you enjoyed it!
     
From Coolhand
Sophy,
Your honestly is refreshing, and your well-told story made me laugh out loud. Datum simply means a point of reference, which obviously, didn't help you much.
Great job! Coolhand
Thanks so much!
And thanks to everyone else who emailed me about the definition of datum. I received too many to print here but appreciated all of the information, and will print the first one I received, from Roscoe .
Water levels are measured by people manually reading staff gages or automatically by sensors. Water level is often recorded in feet above Mean Sea Level (MSL), allowing the water levels from different locations to be easily compared. River stage is the level of the water surface in a river measured with reference to some datum. River stage is generally measured in feet above the datum. The datum at a gaging station on a river is a chosen level at which the river is never expected to go below. The datum is the zero level on the staff gage.
Thanks Roscoe ! Now if I could just find out what datum is for MY nearby river I'll be all set! By the way, Roscoe returned the 5000 GPs to me for his winning answer, and asked me to donate them to a worthy group instead. So I passed them along to RAOK in his name.
That's all for now! Until next time, thanks for reading and LAUGH ON! |
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