 Short Stories: June 20, 2007 Issue [#1782] |
  Short Stories
This week: Edited by: iKïyå§ama  
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The English language has borrowed extensively from other languages. The result is an enormous vocabulary of some million words, many with similar meanings. Roget's Thesarus, for example, lists almost 100 synonyms for insane and over 150 synonyms for destroy. From this abundance, writers choose the words that best fit intended meaning and individual styles.
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CHOOSING WORDS - Establishing the Formality.
Each time you write, you should decide whether to use a formal or an informal voice. The decision depends on your purpose and your audience. A formal voice is appropriate for business correspondence, reports, research papers, and articles in scholarly journals - documents in which writers distance themselves personally from the readers. While an informal voice is appropriate for purposes such as humorous writing, advertising, and articles in popular magazines - material in which writers try to establish a personal relationship with readers. Hence, you should use a formal style to establish a polite, professional relationship with a reader and an informal style to establish a friendly, conversational relationship.
The degree of formality or informality is established in large part by vocabulary. Words derived from Anglo-Saxon (Old English) seem more informal and conversational than words derived or borrowed from other languages. For example, the Anglo-Saxon derivatives lucky, get, buy and crazy seem less formal than their synonyms derived from Greek and Latin: fortunate, obtain, purchase, and demented. Likewise, the English words therefore and masterpiece are less formal than their Latin counterparts ergo and magnum opus.
Clipped forms are more informal than full forms. For example, pro, ad and deli are more informal than professional, advertisement, and delicatessen. Likewise, contractions (can't, isn't, it's) are more informal than uncontracted forms (cannot, is not, it is).
First person (I, we) and second person (you) are less formal than third (one, the writer, the student). If you are writing about yourself, I certainly seems more natural than one or this writer. If you are addressing a reader personally, you seems natural. Avoid, however, using you to mean people in general.
Slang is informal - sometimes, very informal - and its appearance in formal documents can reduce them to the absurd. Imagine, for example, reading something like this in a college bulletin: "Students with wheels should boogie on over to the security office and get a decal." However, a carefully chosen slang expression can make prose more interesting, vivid or efficient. "Razzmatazz" is more interesting than "a flashy display." "Bug a telephone" is more vivid than "equip a telephone with a microphone." "Computer nerd" is definitely more efficient than "a person who forgets the social amenities in an obsession for computers." Remember that an abundance of slang will make prose seem silly. Furthermore, the meanings of slang expressions are frequently unstable - changing unpredictably from time to time and audience to audience.
Chosing a formal or informal voice is often arbitrary; in many circumstances, readers will accept either. But whichever you choose, you should maintain it consistently throughout a composition. Notice how the voice in the following passage seems to shift from formal to informal and back to formal. As a result, the reader gets mixed signals about the writer's attitude.
SHIFTED:
If a person has no computer experience, shopping for a personal computer is very frustrating - primarily because the novice and the sales personnel do not use the same vocabulary. A salesperson will toss off a lot of stuff about memory, hard disks, and menus. And the novice will stand by nodding wisely but without a clue. This problem could be overcome if sales personnel were taught to explain in non-technical terms the capabilities of the equipment they sell.
A consistent voice - either informal or formal - makes clear the writer's attitude.
INFORMAL
If you have no computer experience, shopping for a personal computer is a nightmare - primarily because the computer-impaired and the salespeople do not speak the same language. A salesperson will toss off a lot of stuff about memory, hard disks, and menus. And you will stand there nodding like an idiot but without a clue. This problem could be overcome if salespeople were taught to speak in plain English.
FORMAL
If a person has no computer experience, shopping for a personal computer is very frustrating - primarily because the novice and the sales personnel do not use the same vocabulary. A salesperson will casually discuss memory, hard disks and menus. And the novice will stand by nodding wisely but understanding nothing. This problem could be overcome if sales personnel were taught to explain in non-technical terms the capabilities of the equipment they sell.
Remember that when you adopt a voice, you should maintain it consistently throughout a composition. Otherwise, your reader will not know how to react.
To test your skills on the topic discussed, scroll below for an exercise. 
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EXERCISE: Revise ONE of the following passages to make the formality of the vocabulary consistent.
 There are few afficionados of checkers. Most people think of checkers as a game for small fries. But this game can bring jollity and challenge even to the intelligentsia. Players can toil for years trying to divine the moves and can cram from hundreds of tomes that contain the lore of checkers masters. The competition at times gets fierce; it's no place for sissies with butterflies. One game played by virtuosos lasted seven hours and thirty minutes only to end in a draw.
You'll love the yummy cuisine you find all over New Orleans - especially the seafood. The oysters in an elegant cafe like Antoine's can be the piece de resistance of a lavish supper - something that will really fill the bill. Whenever you're looking for a bellyful of sumptuous chow, you might consider the trout Veronique at the Hotel Ponchartrain or the shrimp remoulade at Arnaud's.
FEEDBACK!
I got a ton of great responses for the challenge set out last time regarding goobledygook. Thank you all for your participation! 
 I really liked your newsletter. I found it very informative. I find that I am guilty of Goobledygook every now and again, too. Your newsletter will help me keep these nonsense words and phrases in my thoughts so I can control their usage. Thank you! - swanreader
Hiya--I thought the gobbledygook exercise was fun! It's a really good copywriting exercise, too. Here's my answer!
Donations to the community improvement fund are low. We wanted to reach our high fundraising goal. Even though we used all of our resources, our goal has not been reached and we’re in debt. We need a better action plan. We must know better techniques that can help our future drives. - Rapunzel 
Gobbledegook was a good topic. I considered sending in a simple "We need more money" to your challenge, but decided to keep a few more details than that. Here's my entry:
Contributions to the community improvement fund did not come in the way we hoped. In fact, we are extremely far from our goal. We need to find a better way to get this done, folks. - Wren
Thanks for the newsletter, and yes I would want to write directly (in plain English): however having used the word say 'end' then to me 'terminate' becomes an attractive alternative, and this applies to other gobbledegook words and phrases. They offer variety, but not as a first choice. -bookgraham
How's this for "plain English"?
It has been shown at this point in time that contributions to the community improvement fund have fallen short of expectations. (Translation: People need to send us more money for our fund!) We had envisionized reaching our goal during the course of our fund-raising drive to accumulate the optimum number of contributions. (We started a fundraiser in the hopes that everyone would open their wallets.) Even though we utilized all feasible resources subsequent to the initiation of the drive, the requisite amount of money has not materialized, and we find ourselves with a deficit of considerable magnitude. (We had everything we needed at the beginning to get as much as we could, but we didn't get enough, and how do ya like that - now we're in huge debt!)It is clear that a plan of action must be activated that will minimize our problems. (Let's get crackin' on a new plan that'll do better!) We must be cognizant of improved techniques that can expedite our endeavors in the future. (Learn from your mistakes so we can do this faster!)
That was fun, I'd do more if I could!  - dizzyduck
Kiya: Great newsletter! I appreciate your attempts to clarify excessive verbiage in written elocutions--in other words, cut the gobbledygook. Here's my rewrite of your passage:
We now see that our community improvement fund hasn't enough money. We thought we'd be able to get enough contributions to reach our goal. We did everything we could once the drive began, but we haven't gotten the money, so we're in debt. We need to do something. Next time, we need to do better. - Lynn McKenzie
As always, this newsletter was great. - SHERRI GIBSON 
How's this for a rewrite?
Contributions to the community improvement fund are down. We tried hard, but find ourselves in the red. We are brainstorming for new fundraising ideas. - Just Rose
I am honored to be included in your newsletter! Thank you so much! You are a gem... The newsletter was great and I learned quite a bit! - SouthernDiva
Well, that was an interesting Newsletter. We've gone from Doppelganger to gobbledegook in the same week!
I was also pleasantly surprised to see one of my works highlighted in this week's Newsletter. Thank you so very much. - Budroe
I really enjoyed your newsletter this week, Kiya. It made me think of a comedy skit Damon Wayans used to do on "In Living Color" where a convict uses 'Gobbedygook" to make it seem as though he is 'educated'.
Having a wide vocabulary is a wonderful thing, but knowing how to use that vocabulary is ... substantially superior. ;) - Starr Phenix 
Oh my. I chuckled out loud when I read this Newsletter. I was a paralegal in a past life, and all that "goobledygook" reads normal to me.  When I joined here, I had to change my method of explaining things in a clearer, easier voice. I had a wonderful mentor here who kept pointing out what she referred to as "Yoda sentences." I'm all fixed now (I hope) but now, I tend to notice it more readily in other authors' writing. "Keep it simple" is the best advice.
This was a wonderful and informative Newsletter, as usual, Kiya. - dusktildawn
An interesting newsletter on gobbledygook. I worry it bodes ill for me that I found none of the gobbledygook phrases, or the wording of the exercise, particularly troubling. I have been accused of writing with too much of what you would call gobbledygook (also in my e-mails) and have always found it confusing to understand where the problem comes from. Most of the phrases on your left column are--unfortunately, it seems--part of my normal speaking language (maybe that's why I'm not popular at parties!). Now I feel linguistically handicapped.
Thanks for pointing out what I have to work on. This should be a most useful reference.
Also, one other brief point. While jargon can indeed be hopelessly complicated to the layperson, it is actually far simpler to the specialist. In my own field (biotech) if we had to remove the jargon, standard lab conversations would be much longer and less precise. - ehrydberg
Thanks for all the comments! Please feel free to keep sending them in. I always enjoy reading your feedback.
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