Try diagramming that. It is – I believe – grammatically correct. That doesn't mean it's not hideous.

Why, pray tell, would I open the For Authors Newsletter with such an atrocity – such a crime against the English language? First, to clear up a misconception about what constitutes a "run-on" sentence; second, to demonstrate that just because a sentence is grammatically correct doesn't mean it's good; third, to encourage you to enter a fun contest (more details on that at the end).

A run-on sentence is two or more independent clauses conjoined with nothing more than a comma or thin air. An independent clause is one that is all grown up and capable of standing on its own. It has a subject and a verb. You can easily correct a run-on sentence by breaking it up into separate sentences. Alternatively, you may add a coordinating conjunction, or join your independent clauses with a semicolon, if they are closely related. Just because this sentence goes on and on and on and on until you want to slap it silly does not make it a "run-on" sentence.

Jim is a photographer, he teaches digital photography at the local high school.
This is an example of the dreaded "comma splice."

Jerry is a writer he writes novels.
This is a "fused sentence" – two independent clauses lacking any punctuation or conjunction to glue them together. In these first two examples, the concepts are closely related; they can be corrected in a number of ways: separate independent clauses with a semicolon; add a coordinating conjunction; or turn the clauses into separate sentences.

Linda runs five miles a day, she eats Wheaties for breakfast.
This, too, is a comma splice; however, the two concepts are not as closely related as in the first example. This sentence is more effectively corrected by simply breaking it into two separate sentences.

Jim is a photographer and he teaches digital photography at the local high school.

Jerry is a writer; he writes novels.

Linda runs five miles a day. She eats Wheaties for breakfast.

That appalling opening sentence? That's my first-ever entry into the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/). Why not try your hand at it? Post your entry and send me a link, in the feedback box below, and I just may feature it in an upcoming issue of the For Authors Newsletter.

Which word should you use: affect or effect? According to the FAQ of the University of Virginia Writing Program (http://www.engl.virginia.edu/writing/wctr/FAQ.html#7), "if you need a verb, nine times out of ten you will used affect; if you need a noun, you will always use effect."

Well, peachy. Until you want to effect change, or discuss a mood disorder and the patient's inappropriate affect. But as a general rule of thumb for the utterly confused, it's a good one. The misuse of the words affect and effect does have the effect of affecting the way others think of your writing ability.

Anne Light and flip8889 are the only readers who took on my "lect" challenge. And a fine job they did, too! Let's have a round of applause (or stars) for these two:

LILY writes:

I think I like whatever you write, Jessiebelle. Your name is also a tough one to spell. It's your command of the English language, I guess, and you sure know what you're talking about. I envy you for those. I don't even feel I'm in the position to write these things to you. Anyway, we used to be very good at spelling English words here in the Philippines, but the GSM technology (texting thru celfones) has changed that in very very short order.

More power to you!

Ahh, technology – the great equalizer. I appreciate the compliments, but you – and everyone reading this – are more than welcome, and certainly in a position, to say anything you like (provided it's not insulting, defamatory, threatening, or gratuitously nasty) to me. Really. Just because writing is the one thing I do well doesn't mean you should feel the least bit hesitant or shy to write to me. If you envy me my command of the English language, just keep practicing; keep writing and write often. That's really the key to mastery. Thing is, I'm still practicing, too.

fleckgirl writes:

Debbie Macomber's "Ready For Love"-By the third time (& only halfway through the book) she used doubtless as an adverb and it seemed like it should have -ly at the end, I realized that she just seemed to have an affinity for this word and that she can't even use it in proper context! Not sure how many more times I'll see it before the end of the story.

As for me, I think I use the word just too much, but proofreading has helped me to stop sounding like too much of an idiot.

Great Newsletter Jessiebelle!

monty31802 writes:

Well chosen subject, very interesting newsletter.

rose_shadow writes:

This is in response to your Question #2. I know that I use the same words over and over again, but I just found a handy tool that will hopefully help me with that. The Word Frequency Indexer takes a chunk of words and spits out a list of the most frequently used ones. Of course, you'll have the "needed" words like "the," "he," "she," etc, at the top, but once you get past those, you can see the words that you really do use a lot! http://www.georgetown.edu/faculty/ballc/webtools/web_freqs.html

*Min* writes:

I tend to use the words "however", "and", and (see, there I go again. Haha!) "really" a bit too often.

I'm not sure articles and conjunctions count. You use "really" too often? Really? Me, too. Actually, my problem word is "actually."

loudermilk writes:

Here's an interesting that covers pretty much all known languages spoken in the US (current and extinct): http://www.ethnologue.com/show_country.asp?name=US

Kenzie writes:

Another good one, Jessiebelle™ I learned a bunch - like that I have my own idiolect and that my influence has caused my family to have their own ecolect. Awesome.

Fyn-elf writes:

I wrote this back in 1996 when just learning to translate 'webspeak.' Funny how now I see it in a chat and 'read' without thinking twice.

Web-speak
so where you from?
canada u?
so la. im m/45 u?
f/42 what ya do?
teach 5th grade
im in grad school
o where at?
uwindsor.like teaching?
yes 20 yrs married? kids?
no/ 3 u?
div/ 2/ i grand whats u major
english...cant u tell?
Smile rotfl
???
rolling on the floor laughing
o
Sad part is, as a teacher, the 'grammar' of chat rooms is slinking into college compositions! That's where I draw the line!

Great newsletter!!!!

Lou-Here By His Grace writes:

Hi there,

I have travelled a bit both here in the US and abroad. I am a poet by nature, and try to remember when I am writing about a travel to a specific place that my dialogue should be true to local accents and dialects. Sometimes it is hard, but hitting dialogue spot on helps to return me to the time and location.

As for spelling I still go to the theatre, and like to write about the colour of things... :)

-Lou