 Comedy: February 28, 2024 Issue [#12435] |
This week: Relationship Advice Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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They do not love that do not show their love.
—William Shakespeare
Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.
—Hugh Mackay
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
—Groucho Marx |
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[Note: I ran out of ideas, so I asked my old acquaintance, Chet Chadderton, to fill in. -Waltz]
Hey, dudes! Chet Chadderton here with advice about love. You might be asking, "Who's Chet and what makes him think he's qualified?" Look, I'm super-qualified. I've been in 84 committed, long-term relationships—some of them even simultaneously! If anything, I'm over-qualified.
With another Valentine's day come and gone, I'm sure a lot of you in relationships are looking to make them better, and, of course, the holiday is designed to make single people want to get into relationships. And you want to know how. Well, never fear; I'm here.
First off, Valentine's Day. What a pain in the ass. Best thing to do for a relationship is to break up with your SO on February 12 or 13. That way, you avoid all the stress of buying gifts and going out to eat on the busiest restaurant night of the year that isn't the Big Game. Come to think of it, they keep pushing the Big Game later and later every year, and eventually, it'll fall on Valentine's Day, and you'll be forced to choose, if you don't take my advice!
You can always beg forgiveness after February 14. Sure, you'll still have to buy chocolate and flowers to make up, but at that point, they'll be 70% off. Win!
Now. The question I get asked most often is: "Chet, how do I find love in the first place?" Well, kids, the truth is, it's everywhere! You can always sign up for one of those apps, but there's plenty of opportunity out in the meat world, too: work, church, school, the gym, buses, seminars, family reunions, festivals... you name it! Best if you come up to someone while they're reading or typing. People love to be interrupted. Oh, they may seem annoyed at first, but I guarantee they'll remember you, and that's half the battle!
But even that's not going to get you anywhere if you're stumbling and stammering. Nope, you gotta be smooth. Rehearse your opening lines beforehand, like a fisherman takes the time to bait a hook. "Hey, whatcha reading?" works great, as does "What's that you working on?" and "Are those real? The diamonds, I mean."
First impressions matter, and this is where you gotta have the most game. People will tell you "Be yourself." That never works. No, be who they want you to be. How do you know that? Well, that's the tough part. It helps to watch them, on the sly, for a few hours or days first, and build up a profile. Then you can be the person they want you to be.
Especially, remember, people respond well to honesty and integrity. Fake those qualities, and you've got it in the bag!
Follow my advice, and you're guaranteed to be alone on Valentine's Day. But not the rest of the year! Tune in next time for more love advice from good ol' Chet Chadderton, Guru of Game!
[On second thought, whatever he said? You should do the exact opposite. -Waltz] |
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