 Comedy: August 02, 2023 Issue [#12081] |
This week: I Try to Warn People Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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...I am a trouble magnet. 
I don't know why, but any well-laid plan I seem to have always has a little trap awaiting in the background. |
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Hello, folks! Welcome to August.
Can you believe next month WDC will be 23 years old?
It does seem like over the years the birthday celebrations go as smooth as silk. A great time is had by all. I wish I could say the same for things that should be fairly normal in everyday life around me. Hold on for this ride, folks. You may even notice something way too familiar in regards to your own daily lives.
Laundry Day:
Simple chore, usually. At least it is up North where I have a washer and dryer in my home. In Florida, I use the community laundry room. Last year it was closed for more than a month making me have to pack the laundry in the car and go to the public, open air laundry several miles away. It's more expensive and makes a simple chore a huge irritation sucking hours out of my day that could have been spent having fun in the sun.
It was close to the time to head back North, so I didn't have to put up with it too long. I actually got to use the new, updated facility a couple times before heading on the road. It used to be the residents who used the laundry room would save up quarters. One dollar for a wash, one for a dry. Simple, cheap. Now, the system is completely automated by use of a laundry app. Who'd have thought--a laundry app to download on the phone? I guess living in a time of the laundry rooms of the past gave me a sense of normality. Now I had to adjust to filling my app with my cash needed to scan and start the machines. Plus, for this convenience,the machines now cost twice as much.
Flash forward to this past spring as I began preparing for the trip back North for the second time in a month because of my cataract surgeries. I was doing the finally washes before hitting the road. I used all four washers and dryers so I could separate things to bleach, permanent press, colors and large items like sheets and quilts. I like storing clean bed coverings in large seal bags so they are there when I return and fresh linens and towels are at the ready after half a year away.
The usual throw laundry in washers, go to clubhouse and watch TV while going online, coming here to be specific.  My app would flash when each machine was finished the cycle. I head back to put the laundry in the dryers. That takes about an hour's time to dry as my app lets me know the dryer cycles are done. I head back, grab my bags to put the dry clothes inside, and find dryer one's clothes are still wet. I thought I must have missed starting that machine and proceeded to feed the beast the two dollars. Then I opened the next dryer and the next -- all wet clothes. I knew it wasn't an error on my part. I touched the door on the first dryer and felt no heat. I reported the machines on my app and requested a refund. They are good on refunding money lost in their machines, but the issue was, none of my clothes were dry! It was close to 10:00 and late for the public laundromat.
All the wet clothes had to be brought home and placed everywhere that could be considered a place to hang and dry. Doors for quilts, chairs for other items, a large fold away table to space out even more items. There they dried under fans and with plenty of AC.
The Handyman:
The next day my wonderful handyman showed up to do a few things that wouldn't cause a lot of dust particles getting into my eyes following the surgeries. I was going to be on the road in a few days anyway, so the rest of the wall-demolition I wanted could get done, then. After that, my new laundry closet would be installed within my home so I wouldn't have to worry about dryers running out of gas at the community laundry room. It was a beautiful plan!
He had a laugh about the clothes decorating the place to dry because no heat in the dryers--they ran out of gas. Propane to be exact. That which heats the pool and the stoves in the kitchen for the banquet hall, and evidently, the dryers, should never be left unchecked. Dear new manager, please add that to your to do list. 
This isn't the first incident I had told Jay my beloved handyman regarding my affinity to being a trouble magnet. I won't go into the many times, here. Just take my word for it. However, I did warn him up front when I found him, things will not all go smoothly...They usually don't. He found that our within a short time.
Jay sends me photos of the updates done when I'm up North. I had a large Waste Management construction drop-bag in my driveway for all the torn out walls and cabinets. For some reason, the ripped out toilet was still standing by the regular garbage bins. He said he'd remove the tank and then replace it in the trash bin after our regular pickup the week after we're gone. And then he'd throw out the rest of the toilet the following week. It's the only way to fit it in the bin --two trips. I was happy to hear that since my neighbor's window has a view of the the toilet sitting there proudly between the trash and recycle bin. 
WL and I said our goodbyes to our neighbors, with the usual "See you in the fall." The neighbor with the view of the toilet asked if the toilet was staying, fearing a storm with a strong wind would result in the toilet being lifted and tossed through her window. I told her not to worry. Jay would remove it, soon.
North Bound:
We are coasting up 1-95 north when a couple hours in, my phone was beeping an alert. It was a tornado warning.  It showed the counties affected, and as we drove through thunder, lightning and torrential rains, I saw the weather map included the town where I live.
I had to wonder. Could it be my neighbor mentioning a possible big storm throwing my toilet around the community actually caused the fickle finger of fate to point at it? I got on the phone and asked Jay about the weather there, now?
"WW, we are having tornado warnings."
"Oh, no, Jay! Keep safe, please. 
Oh, Jay, what about my toilet? My neighbor is having nightmares right now fearing it will fly through her window."
"Don't worry about it, WW. It would take winds of over 50mph directly on that toilet where it is situated to actually do that. Although, I did see a cow fly by." (He's a bit of jokester, himself.)
Up North:
Jay said he'd complete demolition once the first WM bag gets emptied and put back in the driveway for the rest of the construction trash. I know he gets a lot done when the house is empty and nothing or no one is in his way. I was picturing the framing of the walls for my new laundry closet.
A couple weeks go by without any photos in my text messages. I gave Jay a text and ask how things are going. He calls me back.
"Hi WW. I'm in the hospital." I had a little heart attack." How does one have a little heart attack. Isn't that like someone saying their a little pregnant?
"Jay are you going to be okay?"
"No worries, I'm being released today. It was an Angina attack."
"See, what did I tell you in the beginning? When you hang around me trouble happens.
Will you need any surgery, like stints or something like that to keep that pump going?" At least as long as will take to finish my place.  I know, bad, bad WebWitch. 
"They didn't schedule me for any of that. However, they did schedule me for surgery next Monday. You see, when they were doing tests on me they spotted an aneurysm in my brain." 
There goes my laundry room. And the very best handyman I've ever known. How could this man with heart issues and an aneurysm be able to finish the job?
"But don't worry, WW. I'll be back to work after a few weeks rest. The removal of the aneurysm is done through the femoral artery. No opening up of my head to remove it. I can hire some helpers to get your place power washed, sealed and painted if you'd like that finished sooner."
A bill with an estimate of cost for "helpers" was $1,400. I decided my paint job could wait until the fall. 
"Well that's good news, Jay. Much better than having to go through your skull."
 Happy to know they won't be digging into your skull and poking around your brain like that scene in Hannibal where the agent had part of his brain served to him by his host at the dinner table. 
I'll keep you in my prayers. Please let me know how the surgery goes. Take plenty of time off and rest. I'm not going to be there until later in the fall, anyway. You can work at your own pace when you regain your health."
"Thanks, WW. I'll just need to take it easy for a couple weeks and then I'll work on the inside because I need to stay out of the blazing sun at this time. I think heat exhaustion was part of the heart issue."
"Jay, please don't fall apart on me. Get plenty of rest. YOU are the ONLY handyman around these parts willing to work. I'm sorry to know that my house could be killing you."
"No, WW, it's not your house. I get more irritation from other people asking me when I'll be done at WebWitch's house so I could do there's. The minute I come through the gates in the morning my phone starts ringing from residents begging me to come and do work for them. It's like they have radar that shows I've arrived."
"You're too polite with them. Tell them to call me. I have a convincing way of explaining reality concerning my home and my handyman so they really understand it. I guarantee you, they won't want to piss off this witch."
Well folks, it will be interesting to know how all this plays out. Jay is such a good-hearted man. He's a great contractor and can do it all. What a gem.  I'm going to be sure and not talk or text him until after that aneurysm removal is done and he's home and safe from anything to do with a WW trouble magnet.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
...And seriously, if you've read this entire newsletter after my warning you about my magnetic personality of the troubling kind -- Be careful out there! 
P.S. Jay promised the toilet would make it to the trash bin, soon...Real soon! 
P.P.S. Jay is recovering from his surgery. I received a text photo of him in the hospital with a scar from his right ear, over his forehead. Don't know how far it goes from there since it was a side photo, but then I realized the femoral artery wasn't the method used. Please keep Jay in your good thoughts and prayers.    
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👼intuey 
UGH! I've had a few surgeries, but the thought of having to have eye surgery gives me the heebie-jibbies {or however you spell that ). I applaud you Webbie for asking for less meds. I would not be so brave. I'm glad you were able to experience an unbelievable light show -- sorry it's over but happy you can see now.
I'm overjoyed to have excellent vision, again, Tracey. It's a real life changer. Fear not the eye surgery if ever needed. They will make you so comfortable you won't give a rat's behind about the whole procedure. And hey, you too may be treated to a gorgeous light display!
NaNoNette 
That is great news. And your story does convince me to get cataract surgery should I ever need it.
You won't be sorry if you ever need cataract surgery to go and get it done. It's a very quick procedure, too. 
Thanks for your feedback, Annette. 
Beholden  
Thank you very much for including my short story, Madame Michelle de la Lyonesse Dupont, in the list of your Editor's Picks.
It was my pleasure, Beholden!
Thanks for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
Hmmm, 5 newsletter weeks in August. So I will see you at the end of the month!
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