 Comedy: June 07, 2023 Issue [#11996] |
This week: Cataract Chronicles Chapter 4 Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Why did I read this stuff? I should have just kept my cloudy eyes off all the cautions set forth following surgery on the interwebs. I could remain happily ignorant until the post surgery list accompanies me home with an already installed new lens. But, nooooooooooooo! WW needed to knowwwwwww!  |
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I had to know. I just had to know!!!
Why did I read this stuff? I should have just kept my cloudy eyes of all the cautions set forth following surgery. I could remain happily ignorant until the post surgery list accompanies me home with an already installed new lens. But, nooooooooooooo! WW needed to knowwwwwww! +
Part 1:
Preparing for my cataract surgery, I decided to read up on everything I could get my eyes on to be sure I actually keep my eyes on. Of course I expected many warnings of what I shouldn’t do following surgery.
Examples:
Do not bend over for a certain period of time because your lens may dislocate.  
Avoid any strenuous, aerobic or lifting exercise for a long time, too long for my preference.
Stay out of the pool and hot tub! (There goes my relaxation therapy.)
Avoid allergens and dust irritants. (My place in Florida is being remodeled. I’m out of luck, now.)
Try not to sneeze or vomit immediately after surgery. (I think you can almost guarantee one of those things happening since I have allergies and I’m also sensitive to many medications.)
Don’t walk into walls or doors. (I get vertigo. I’m really going to have nightmares about this one.) Also, Up North my freezer is on the bottom of my fridge. Down South, on top. Do you have any idea how many times I bend down to clean out the lower level of the fridge and then stand up and manage to hit my head on the freezer door above me? I can’t be the only one who does this. 
To heal faster from surgery, avoid alcoholic beverages. (No wine? Okay, my interpretation of this suggestion … "To heal faster from surgery add more vitamin C when sipping red wine."  ) I can handle that one!
The above part is of course pre-surgery. I await the first eye surgery to fill in the future following surgery.
Part 2:
The rest of the story!
May 22nd came and left. I managed to show up for the surgery on the first eye. Brave little witch disregarded all those precautions listed above and figured the Doctor who replaced my old lens would have his own rules for a good recovery.
I was in the surgical area waiting room with a few other people who were facing the same procedure. Two ahead of me and one behind my scheduled appointment. No sooner had I sat down and started talking with the other victims, did one get called in as another was wheeled out and heading for the elevator.
You know WebWitch by now. I had to put the humor into the impending surgery. Before long the others were laughing along when not only did I skip wine for 24 hours leading up to surgery, but after signing in and announcing how good of a witch I can be by putting my Italian red wine gene to rest for 24 hours, and stating that as soon as I was released I would revisit my red wine with a piece of unsweetened chocolate, I got disturbed in mid-thought.
"Oh, no, WebWitch, you must refrain from alcoholic beverages until at least 24 hours following surgery." 
Who was behind that irritating voice?
I turned to look in the direction of the check-in lady behind the desk with a broad, menacing smile. I responded with shock and awe and other stuff I can't repeat.
"What do you mean I have to wait another 24 hours after surgery. Your pre-op papers said refrain 24 hours before surgery. I did that. Why must you torture me, so?"
Of course the others in the waiting room were laughing until they found out it would apply to them, as well.
"That's true, WW, those are the pre-op directions. I'm talking about a whole different list of rules. Yup, these rules are the post-op directions. We never release them early because it may cause undue emotional distress."
There's that evil smile, again. I can tell she really loves her job. While she was still focused on me, she mentioned there would be a survey specialist inside the operating room taking notes.
"No! I don't want anyone else unnecessary to the ripping out of one lens and replacing it with another. Of course that is, unless I get some kind of bonus/kick-back or other financial incentive."
"No WW, we don't pay for this service."
"Okay, now I understand. Some insurance company snoop wants to be there, and expects us patients to be happy and understanding that they are there and agree to allow this intrusion to happen?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"I think I understand then...NO!"
After being brought into the pre-op room and given a Valium the size of the tip of my middle finger, (of course I was still seeing double at the time so it may not have been that big.  ) the staff proceeded to hook up heart and blood pressure gauges. A few minutes later I didn't give a crap about anything. I remember being rolled into the surgical suite and telling the anesthesiologist not to knock me out or give me anything heavy duty as I am extremely sensitive to anesthesia. She said she'd be there if I had any difficulty during the procedure and would give me something very light if necessary.
They moved the microscope close to my eye. It was very bright. Soon I saw these amazing colors, the best one being a Northern Lights' green. The best I can describe it is if you've ever seen copper burning --that kind of brilliant and beautiful green. The light show was actually quite enthralling. It was like being transported to the Sixties! 
Within 12 minutes, it was over. I told the doctor that it was absolutely amazing!
I look forward to the next surgery and the conclusion of the Cataract Chronicles!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Tegs 
I’ll pass on what Spamedica says happens during surgery because the exact same thing happened to me and it was a wonderful experience.
What do you see during cataract surgery?
In most cases, cataract surgery is performed under local anaesthetic, which means you’ll be awake during the procedure. Your eye will be numbed using anaesthetic eye drops, so there are no needles or injections involved.
The area around your eye will be cleaned using an iodine-based solution, then a sterile sheet will be placed over your head and chest, creating a sterile zone around the eye that’s being operated on.
As you’ll be awake during your surgery, you’ll still be able to see – but don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the surgeon operating on your eye! The surgeon uses a very bright light during the procedure to give them the best possible view of your eye, and our patients report that the bright light is often all they can see during their cataract surgery, although staring at it for a sustained period of time can produce other visual phenomena – like seeing lots of bright colours!
It’s estimated that around 80% of patients see colours during their cataract surgery. The most common colours are blue and red, although pink, yellow, green, purple, turquoise and orange have also been reported.
Nearly all patients who see these colours during their cataract surgery say that it’s a pleasant experience.
In summary – although you’ll have your eyes open during cataract surgery – all you’ll actually be able to see is a bright light and, if you’re lucky, lots of different colours!
Thank you so much for the thorough explanation of what to expect. YOU were spot on! 
I really did enjoy the light show. I saw the most amazing glowing green lights! Can't wait to get my second eye done!
Robert Waltz 
I expect more cornea jokes from the Comedy newsletter.
I don't know, Robert. The whole cataract thing wore me out. Can't imagine wrapping my eyes around more cornea jokes. Can I?  ...
Creeper Of The Realm 
It will not be that bad! Stop fretting. Getting a tooth pulled is much worse.
I guess it depends on how deep the fangs go when visiting a dentist. That could be painful. Yes, especially when you hear the tooth go CCCCCRUNCH!  Eyes don't sound crunchy. They're sort of squishy sounding.
Thanks for the Feedback, folks!   
See you next month!
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