%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4756157 |
| Hi Phoenix McKnight  ,This review is a part of "HSPs - The Basics of Erotic Writing"  [18+].  Overall Impression: Oh wow, Ted is a vampire! I had no idea! Well, that will add some extra tension to his relationship with Sandra. I love the description in this piece. Where I struggled with the showing/telling balance in my story you perfectly weave together dialogue, thought and action, and a nice pinch of character history. That sense of history is very helpful - it gives me a better understanding of Ted, and of his actions, and that makes for a more believable character. The opening paragraph is great. I love Anne Rice's work, so that drew me in, and then the hint at the truth, which is confirmed in the second paragraph. As I said, I was surprised! You follow this up by describing Ted's power and influence, and then proving this by his ability to book a VIP table at an exclusive restaurant. Things don't go as he had hoped for, however, and he loses his cool. What the consequences of his actions at the restaurant will be remain to be seen. Has he ruined his relationship with Sandra? She loves him, but he just chased off a client and excused it by sharing something with her that has come as a shock. His storming off won't have helped... All in all, this is great and makes me look forward to the next story! Suggestions: I do have a couple of suggestions, dear Jim. I hope that you will find them helpful!  I was rather surprised that Sandra did not know Ted's a vampire. I am not certain how long they have been together, but they appear to have an established relationship, in which they have declared their love for the other. The previous story hints at their having been intimate. Here he proves that he is a vampire in part by having her feel the lack of a normal heartbeat. Has she never rested her head on his chest? Never noticed anything at all? And would he truly reveal something this big in a restaurant? I do like the idea of her learning that her lover is a vampire, and look forward to seeing how they will navigate this. The moment seems rather abrupt, though. Considering the gravity of the situation perhaps there can be a bit more description, a little more emotion here? That would perfect the piece. Also, the last two sentences of the story begin with 'Ted laid' and 'Ted stood'. Perhaps the second 'Ted' could be replaced with 'He'? That would get rid of that bit of repetition.My Rating: This is a very enjoyable story. I was happy to read and review it. I did have a couple of suggestions. Therefore, I will give this item a rating of 4.5 out of 5. Thank you for sharing your work. Write on! Kit    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/10/2024 @ 12:44am EDT