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Review #4742239
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Review by NaNoNette Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (4.0)
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A "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. review from
The Free Folk image for G.o.T.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.


Hello dragonwoman Author Icon

Aw. The picture you included, the title, and your handle all work so perfectly for this piece. It makes me want to root for the sick dragon even before I have gotten into the story.

And his name is Simon Sickly. *Cry* He is so cute. I just love him. He also reminds me of Wendell from The Simpsons. That's the little pale one with the curly hair who always has a little cough.



Crump used a large spoon to check his throat *Right* I would write "Simon's" where it says "his." I know that Crump is she/her, but the way the sentence flows demands a little more clarity. Later in the sentence, it mentions "his" again, but at that point it is perfectly clear that it is Simon.

The flight [?] laughs at me *Right* is there a word missing where I marked it [?]

gouts of sparks *Right* Of course a dragon would sneeze sparks. *Heart* He is just such an endearing creature. This story makes me think that you should (if you're not doing that already) include Simon Sickly into more stories. He is such a unique character. It's the way he fits dragon tropes and reinforces them that makes him special.

other respiratory ailments. *Right* Missing closing quote at the end of the sentence.

coughed and gasped. [...] “What do you expect? *Right* Needs a paragraph break where I put [...]. The last three lines seem to be missing paragraph breaks at the appropriate times.

The ending makes me wonder what that tonic is going to do. How will it turn sickly Simon into buff Simon?

Annette
"The WDC Angel Army" Open in new Window.


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/07/2024 @ 2:37pm EDT
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