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 Review #4742143 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (4.0)  This Review was done on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! Hi Elizabeth  .I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item" . The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  Overall Impression. First, congratulations on winning the Writer's Cramp. The ability to craft a complete story in a few words is a difficult task, especially since it must be down in less than one day. Good job. Both your title and the date at the top of your offering seem to indicate that Mary is someone who journals ... regularly. At a minimum, she journals at least periodically. But your opening seems to state that she hasn't written in a journal since she was in school. That she is unhappy with her current state of employment is well documented. Apparently, Mary seems smart enough you recognize the apparent incompetence of her boss, as far as journalistic intent is concerned. She feels underutilized in her current situation. That's a trait with which many in society can identify. I found it interesting that you chose Memphis, with a population of more than six-hundred-thousand, for your story location. While I agree that a large herd of cows ambling down Main Street Memphis would certainly garner lots of attention, I didn't find it as realistic that many cows would make it to the city center. A smaller community would be a better fit. Plus, a larger city newspaper would have more reporter staff than the storyline seems to indicate. Despite that, I applaud Mary's initiative and desire for more in her life. She was willing to step beyond her comfort zone and take charge of her own situation.  Editorial Thoughts. Her final note, however, seems to indicate that she's reached her pinnacle. I hope that isn't true. Perhaps state something to the effect that this is just the beginning.  Technical Considerations. This section relates to the mechanics of your writing. I stumbled a bit reading your sentence as written. May I suggest an alternative to strengthen your thought? Between the clacking of the typewriter and the ringing of the phone I had a pounding ache in my head, but I answered the telephone regardless. Between the clacking of the typewriter and the ringing of the phone, I had a pounding ache in my head. But I answered the telephone regardless. You are missing a carriage return after the third paragraph. Your husband is the subject of the sentence. But later you state "he allows me" meaning your boss. It's confusing to read. A suggestion follows: My husband had always frowned upon such careers for a woman, and says I should consider myself lucky he allows me to work as a secretary. My husband had always frowned upon such careers for a woman. He says I should consider myself lucky Mr. Livingston allows me to work as a secretary. A quick thought. Would businesses in downtown Memphis have lawns on which cows may graze?  My Rating. 4.0.  Thank you for sharing your offering.
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You responded to this review 05/08/2024 @ 11:03pm EDT