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 Review #4742113 |
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| (4.0)| Hallo John Andrew Jenkins  ! I will be reviewing your work "Invalid Item" on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"  Content:Written for a prompted challenge, this short story tells of a young man who feels slighted by his coach over an incident that was not of his making. He feels he ought to be given another chance to prove himself, but perhaps the man he looks up to isn't exactly as supportive as he would like. Pluses:Mostly dialogue heavy, this story did well enough to incorporate the prompts given. At first, I wasn't quite sure where this was going as I was under the illusion it was over some other popular sport. Nice twist at the end there of exactly what sport the whole debacle was about. You do well in capturing Plagran's desperation in the beginning, but his determination at the end of it could be considered admirable; though a part of me thinks he comes off as a bit of a snob (well typical rich kid who gets what he wants). Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. >>he had always told his friends (the 'he' should be capitalized since it starts the sentence) >>From your summary which says 'this is a story about a young boy's journey', I was under the impression this was going to be a tale about a...well young boy. But seeing the lines about him being able to drive, perhaps you should use the term 'young man' instead. >>the warm air swirling around his fingertips and lightening his hair, (how does warm air lighten one's hair? Or did you mean 'lifting' his hair?)    P.S: Who knew jousting had become an actual sporting event? Wait 'til the Olympic committee hears about this. It will become a thing in 2200 or something of the sort. Thanks for sharing your story and keep on writing!    Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/05/2024 @ 1:47pm EDT