GROUP

The Iron Bank of Braavos  (13+) For G.o.T. Activity #1994693 by Gaby

"Game of Thrones" 

My House Florent Signature  (E) Team Florent stuff #2317103 by SandraLynnSprinkles Slingin'

Hello fellow writer! My name is Sandra. I am one of the sly foxes.Title: Brittney's Fishing TripFirst Impression: I really like the family surname Pickles. It's a great moniker for escapades and hijinks. Are you familiar with an American comic that features a family using that name? The cartoonist is Crane. You describe a close, loving family dynamic. What child doesn't wish to spend quality time with Dad? To fish under a tree next to a pond sounds bucolic, heavenly. I cringed with Brittney. Baiting a hook with a wiggling worm, no thanks. Soaking up the sun and chatting with Dad, yes please.What needs your attention: Bear in mind these are just my suggestions. I believe you do too much explanation and repetition. The scene in which Brittney requests permission to go fishing could be shortened. Mom is already in the kitchen with the other two so, why repeat the formal query? Again with the unloading of all the gear at their destination. You mention over and over about removing the bamboo poles from the truck. As a reader I notice you already explained that, I understood it. I found a typo? "I was too short to get the line I'm." I believe you intended to write 'in.' Also, "gave the pole to me to hold."What part I liked best: I enjoyed Brittney's reaction to hooking a fish and her struggle to reel it in. I laughed despite their obvious distress when they ran up hill to escape the invading snakes. I could picture the daughter's pole snapping back behind her to repeatedly strike her father on the head. Overall Impression: This is a delightful telling of a moment neither parent or child will ever forget.Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure. What does the fox say??? Listen carefully. (1883 characters) DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.