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 Review #4740913 |
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| (3.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: I’m not a fan of public transport, and now I want to take a train even less! But until now, I thought the worst that could happen was overcrowding and the aircon failing. Sitting next to a demon who then proceeds to rob the passengers is a whole different level of terrifying. You did a good job with the descriptions of the demon. For some reason I found the part with the freezing cold yet burned hands particularly effective. The story had an unfinished feel to it, or rather, it felt like it was an introduction to something longer. The last paragraph was a bit rushed as if you were trying to tie up loose ends in a hurry. I don’t know if this was written for a contest and you had a word limit, but you could have doubled what you wrote here if you had expanded on the last paragraph. Let the main character have a conversation with his dead grandmother. Show the readers how he reacted to her showing up there and telling him that he is a demon slayer. There was a lot of detail here that you glossed over in a hurry, but it sounds like that would have been an interesting part of the story, and it’s a shame that it didn’t get the attention it deserved.  Suggestions: I will never forget as long as I can live You’ve got an extra word there that’s not needed. “as long as I live.” window seat and wanted to see everything. As I ventured to my seat The duplication of “seat” was quite noticeable here and I would consider changing or omitting one of them. it suddenly felt a crisp twenty degrees cooler. Suddenly, I went from sweating to chattering my teeth from the chills. Again, I noticed the repetition of “suddenly”, but here, I think the two sentences essentially say the same thing so I would probably pick the one you like best and delete the other one. Nearly five to ten minutes later I would pick one, either “nearly” or “five to ten minutes”. Both together don’t actually make sense. had never seen sunlight in ages Either “never seen sunlight” or “hadn’t seen sunlight in ages”. I have the window seat. "Using the There shouldn’t be a space before the closing speech marks, they should be right after “seat”. This error occurred a few times.  Final Thoughts: The story would benefit from a good edit. I think you had an interesting idea here but most of it got wrapped up too quickly in just a few words and the readers never got to see how the main character felt about any of it. For a story like this, the character development is essential and I felt like you were on the right track getting the readers engaged in the main character’s issues here, but it fell short at the end.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/13/2024 @ 5:28pm EDT