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 Review #4740703 |
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| (4.0)| Hallo Kevster  ! I will be reviewing your work "Invalid Item" on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"  Content: A young boy finds an old baseball glove and suddenly finds himself transported to a new world where he meets strange new creatures and a mysterious woman who delivers a cryptic message to him; all guided by a blind dog and a cat that seems to know a little more than she lets on. Pluses:It is never easy to write a children's story; don't care what anyone else says (because I find it difficult for some reason). It's a delicate act to convey childlike wonder without boring the audience it's intended for, and in this case, you did a good job setting up the spirit of adventure and mystery nicely. The elements for that are all in place; the setting - a simple quiet community - the characters which starts off with the deaf dog and this cat with no name, and of course, our protagonist who is about to find himself in a place least expected. I like your way with words and being able to describe scenes well enough that I can visualize them while reading. The way the story ends makes me want to know so much more because it does seem unfinished (I am guessing you had to cut it off due to word count), but there's so much potential for a longer and more fleshed out story if you decide to revisit it. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. Unfortunately, for all its good intentions, there were quite a few problems noted that made reading through this somewhat difficult. I will try to highlight a few of them: >>In a quiet corner of a suburban street, where Daffodils danced Daffodils should not be capitalized. (I noticed some words bolded which I assume is part of the challenge to use those words within your story) >>Upon waking up (,) he immediately realized he could smell and breathe better, (.) He opened his eyes >>The boy then spotted Charlie! Running down his street and decided to run after him. While I understand you trying to convey the boy's suprise/excitement at seeing Charlie, I would suggest re-writing this in a different way. Perhaps italicizing 'Charlie' or actually making the boy cry out his name in surprise. >>the air felt much warmer than before (he) slipped. this is the start of a new sentence, so 'the' should be capitalized. >>The young boy (,) however (,) didn't really think much of it at this time (,) but he was about to learn (its) hidden secrets. >>Charlie suddenly (?) and the boy hastily went up to him. What did Charlie suddenly do? >>he stood in front of the cat, just sitting there in the road. Capitalize 'h' as it starts a new sentence >>Suddenly (,) the air got thin and the wind picked up in speed,  he looked around and when he turned backThis can be broken into two sentences. >>"you have been chosen, child," she spoke. "Choose to unravel the mysteries that have been lost for centuries. I am your path and your guide."  The boy's mind raced with a thousand questions, 'Y' should be capitalized - new sentence. And I put the down arrow there, because your formatting was not well done. That should start or begin as a new paragraph. >>He wasn't sure what had just happened within the last moment or still sure or (of who) she was (,) but he knew he could trust her. >>walking back the boy could see otherworldly creatures 'W' should be capitalized. A new sentence. >>4 headed deer (,) with upside-down people riding them (,) frolicked Four-headed deer reads much easier. >>He stood up and said (,) "My names (name) is Chance (,) and I'm gonna be okay(.)" >>The kitty rubbed against his leg and purred, he could feel the vibrations of it more than ever.Could be broken into two sentences. As you can see, there's quite a bit of work to be done, and as I stated earlier; the ending is a bit 'unfinished'. He went home for dinner...after getting all that information and mystery orb from the cat? What does that orb do beside make him feel powerful and see weird things? If he's been chosen for something great, I think it would be nice to see just what great things are in store for him, right? Soemthing to think about as you consider expanding the story.    Thanks for sharing your writing with us, and keep it up!    Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 04/01/2024 @ 10:34pm EDT