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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4737680
Review #4737680
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Ocean Fling Open in new Window. [E]
The mysterious disappearance of a sailboat from its mooring inspires a playful poem.
by MJones Transforming … Again Author Icon
Review of Ocean Fling  Open in new Window.
Review by Jayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, MJones Transforming … Again! I'm reviewing your poem as one of the judges from the Newbies Poetry Contest.

*Checkb*Overall Impression:
This is a lovely, sentimental poem with great personification of the boat.

*Checkb*Form, Rhythm, Cadence, and Style:
The simple rhyme scheme works very well with the content. Stylistically, your layout and word choices were strong for the most part. The use of the photo was a fantastic addition (and is quite beautiful). There are a few spots where the rhythm is a bit hard to maintain, and it's the addition of filler words breaking the flow. "that you felt compelled" could lose "that." The more difficult one to keep pace is "With luck you were spotted and with the aid of a friend." Dropping the "and" would make a big difference to how the section reads.

*Checkb*Content:
There is so much love beneath the lines of the poem, I wonder if you're a sailor of some type in real life. You've done a wonderful job making the ship a character, and I can easily imagine her taking off for the evening to sing with the whales, or chase a handsome sailor. Those lines, in particular, are lovely:

Or was it a sailor aboard a lass nearby
whose face was illumined by the starlit sky?

*Checkb*Grammar and Mechanics:
Punctuation choices were consistent and I found no problems.

*Checkb*Final Thoughts:
This is a wonderful addition to the contest. Thank you for entering!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

Jayne Author Icon*Smile*

My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" Open in new Window.
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