\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4735725
Review #4735725
Viewing a review of:
 The first glimpse of the light Open in new Window. [E]
A short lines on the Sunlight in early in the morning
by Swapna Author Icon
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Swapna Author Icon

I am reviewing your poem, "The first glimpse of the light" Open in new Window., on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.. I found your poem in the 'Review a Newbie' section.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I was intrigued to read this poem when I read your description. And I wasn't disappointed. This is a lovely, little poem, describing that peaceful time of the day. The way you mention the birds chirping and rays of sunlight evokes a great sense of the world in the early hours of every day.

Voice/Tone: The tone is just right. It has a light feeling. I think this is heightened by the clouds and "golden rays." I really like the picture you paint. I think most people will relate to it.

Mechanics: An aabb ccdd rhyme scheme gives the poem a certain pace that adds to the lightness. You have stuck to this well. It means the poem flows fairly well.

Rhythm: There are a few bumpy parts with the rhythm. For example, where you write, "With dreams built over the night / Gives us a day of opportunity bright" the rhythm isn't spot on because the stresses of the words aren't even. The word "opportunity" doesn't fit. It's too many syllables. Also, "flowers all in the air" doesn't quite work. The word "all" doesn't work. I can see why you have added it (to make the right number of syllables), but it just doesn't sound right.

My Favourite Part: The lightness and warmth that runs through this poem is fantastic. I love the description of the world "playing hide and seek between the clouds." That's really great. It made me smile. Actually, the whole of your poem made me smile. It's definitely a feel good poem. I also love the idea of having dreams overnight, and then as a new day starts having the opportunity to achieve them. There's something really comforting about that.

Suggestions: I would change the title, if I were you. At the moment, it is a bit of a mouthful and probably not so easy to remember. However, if you changed it to something shorter, like 'Dawn' or 'Aurora' it would be snappier and more memorable. That's just a suggestion.

Thanks for sharing your work with us.

Keep writing!

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 03/09/2024 @ 10:07am EST
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4735725