Dear Ironworker

I've read your short story "The Short Term Loan"  and I must say it's a fascinating concept that blends elements of fantasy and personal identity. The story follows a clear narrative structure, beginning with the protagonist, David, waking up in an unfamiliar body and location. The plot nfolds as he tries to understand the situation and the person whose body he has temporarily inhabited. Tension builds satisfactorily with intrigue before revealing Julie's existence and ability to switch bodies.

The climax occurs when David confronts Julie's friend, who explains the situation. Finally, all is resolved with him getting back into his own body, and that surprising financial windfall.

Here, I'll break it down:

Story Elements: effectively uses elements of mystery, fantasy, and personal transformation. It engages by presenting a unique and thought-provoking scenario: temporarily loaning one's body to someone else. The narrative is laced with tension and curiosity as David grapples with his new reality and tries to make sense of it.

Theme: central to story, it revolves around identity and empathy. This raises questions about what it means to inhabit another person's body and experience their life. It also explores idea of how such an experience can change one's perspective and understanding of others.

Highlights: The story's strength lies in its intriguing premise and the gradual revelation of Julie's unique ability. It keeps the reader hooked, wondering about the motivations and implications of body-swapping. Wondering how David will respond, what circumstances he'll face. The pacing is well-maintained, and the dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and confusion.

Now, regarding areas for improvement:

1. Character Development: Consider getting deeper into the emotional and psychological impact of body-swapping. I've seen fantasy role-play online where people try to act like their the other person, but the acting isu usally poor. But, their concepts and notions can go in a myriad of ways with these little plays online. For David, perhaps explore his inner turmoil, fears, and how he copes with this extraordinary situation. Adding inconveniences to his life and implications and having someone else be him makes me think of worries about his rep. Delving deeper would add depth to his character and make the story even more engaging.

2. Exposition: While the story maintains a good pace, there could be room to expand on the backstory of Julie and her ability. Providing more context and history would help readers better understand the fantastical elements of the story. Is she running or hiding from someone/something, similar to Quantam Leap, or is their a Freaky Friday backstory at work?

3. Conflict and Resolution: The story's resolution feels somewhat abrupt. Expanding on the conflict and the consequences of body-swapping could add complexity and make the resolution more satisfying. Like I said, the inconvenience factor, does he give advice on how to be him, does she refuse it, hurt his rep somehow? How does this experience change David's life or perspective ultimately, towards resolution and ending?

4. Description: Enrich the story with sensory details and descriptions of the surroundings. Since the setting shifts to an exotic location, use vivid imagery to immerse readers in the environment and enhance the overall reading experience. There are a lot of things that overwhelm, too much to feel all at once.

Expanding the story to incorporate the original ending sounds like a promising idea. This could provide a more comprehensive exploration of the themes and consequences introduced in the story. Overall, Short Term Loan is an imaginative and intriguing piece that could benefit from further character development, exposition, and exploration of themes. I look forward to reading an expanded version of the story when it should become available.

Thanks for sharing and allowing the community to peak in on what you're working on.

Sincerely,

Brian
Super Power Reviewer


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .