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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711393
Review #4711393
Viewing a review of:
 
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rupture  Open in new Window. [E]
Dissociation
by AddledThinker Author Icon
Review of rupture  Open in new Window.
Review by 👼intuey Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello AddledThinker Author Icon This is a review on behalf of "Angel Review Forum" Open in new Window. [ASR] This is only my views. Please use or discard as you're comfortable with. *Smile*


*Reading* Strong title. It drew my attention to the poem. I went back and forth on the poem's meaning. It reads like one daydreaming. Having a hard time staying in the present. But by the title, it makes me think that maybe it's a bit deeper than daydreaming. Writing a short description of what you're meaning to get across in the poem, I think will help. It not only will help us understand what you want to convey, but it will help draw in more readers.

Emotional is a good category, adding the other two genres may help more people find your writing. *smiling*

*Penr* Theme/Subject Matter:- With the title being called rupture and one of the genres, emotional, I believe instead of about daydreaming, it's about a fractured psyche. It's an interesting write and one I believe could be fleshed out a bit for its full potential.

*Penb*Originality/Creativity:- It's a creative look on a mind that can not stay centered.

*Flower3*Emotion/Impact: - I was left a bit confused about exactly what the writer was trying to get across. But at the same time, I could feel the writer's angst.

*Balloon4* My Suggestions - I wasn't sure about the punctuation. The commas you have don't need to be there, but other punctuation was left out.

*Reading*

here
then, gone
consciousness soaring
amongst the
stars
dreaming
back, again
for a little
while

here
then gone.
consciousness soaring
amongst the
stars, dreaming.
back again
for a little
while.

*Bookstack*back, again

again..

back again.

I think it has more impact if you leave out the second 'again.'

*Peng*Summary: Thank you so much for sharing your work with us. I enjoyed it. *Smile*

*Quill* KEEP ON WRITING ON! *Quill*

*Heart* Intuey

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/13/2023 @ 10:09pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4711393