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 Review #4710920 |
 | Dance with me  [13+] A flash fiction piece about finding true love.  |
| (4.5)| This is an unusual subject, surprisingly brave in today's climate, and a very effective twist in the unexpected object of the narrator's love. It's cleverly constructed with one minor flaw in timing that I will mention later - I'm doing the good stuff first! The story is quite powerful. It's highly original in conception and the build up is handled well, with suitable expressions of thwarted love and determination to do better. The writing is good but suffers from the modern disease of short sentences, one per point until it becomes a machine gun burst of little bullets aimed at the reader. Yes, we're told to keep our sentences short and that's only bad advice because it doesn't mention the need to throw in longer ones. Too many brief, abrupt statements and it begins to sound like a list. Vary the length and create an interesting mix of approaches and you'll keep the reader interested. It's contrast with longer sentences that give short sentences their power. I have saud that you handle the build up well, but it stops too soon. The hand falling off is too much of a clue and it should be kept from the reader as long as possible. I guessed the reality as soon as that darned hand fell off. It's a great detail but keep it for the last paragraph (together with anything else that gives the game away) if at all possible. You have one killer punch and if you use it too early, the story will stagger around until it finally hits the canvas. You want to save that blow for the end and then knock the reader clear out of the ring. Sorry, got a bit carried away with my own metaphor there. One remaining suggestion is that you create a habit of including a word count either at the beginning or the end of everything you write. This not only tells a potential reader or reviewer how long it is (thereby allowing him to assess whether he has the time to do it), but also ensures that you pay attention to any word count limitation set by any contest it might be written for. It saves you time in deciding whether a previously written piece is suitable for a contest that accepts old pieces. In conclusion, you have written a great little story of considerable verve and humour. Think about fixing those few niggles that I mentioned, however.    Beholden  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/07/2023 @ 1:26pm EDT