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Review #4710918
Viewing a review of:
 Twenty-Three Years - contest entry  [13+]
contest entry for the 23rd birthday no dialogue contest
by Geoffrey Williams
Review by ruwth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

May God bless both of us as we grow as writers together!


Geoffrey Williams,

Welcome to Writing.Com! You are an amazing writer! I predict you will become an asset to this site! Entering a contest so soon after joining—I am impressed!

Notice the emdash I used in the above sentence? You create it here with WritingML, the markup language specific to this site. You can find out more at WritingML Help.

I think an emdash would work well here:

After all, they weren’t human anymore—not after what they’d done to the world.

I think the last phrase might be a fragment but linked with an emdash would correct that.

Your story is fast-moving and fascinating. It kept me engaged all the way through. I liked the way you started every paragraph with "Twenty-three". Looking back, I realize many of those Twenty-three's are also fragments but sometimes breaking the rules just makes sense.

One of the phrases starting with "Twenty-three" did not work well for me:

Twenty-three blind sets of eyes.

The phrase caused me to stumble while reading your story. Perhaps something like "Twenty-three people whose eyes were opened." That whole paragraph was a bit challenging for me to follow but the flow of your words carried me through.

Anyways, your writing definitely impressed me. I hope you find Writing.Com helpful to you on your journey to become a successful author! I am glad you are here!




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