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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710918
Review #4710918
Viewing a review of:
 Twenty-Three Years - contest entry Open in new Window. [13+]
contest entry for the 23rd birthday no dialogue contest
by Geoffrey Williams Author Icon
Review by ruwth Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

May God bless both of us as we grow as writers together!


Geoffrey Williams,

Welcome to Writing.Com! You are an amazing writer! I predict you will become an asset to this site! Entering a contest so soon after joining—I am impressed!

Notice the emdash I used in the above sentence? You create it here with WritingML, the markup language specific to this site. You can find out more at WritingML Help.

I think an emdash would work well here:

After all, they weren’t human anymore—not after what they’d done to the world.

I think the last phrase might be a fragment but linked with an emdash would correct that.

Your story is fast-moving and fascinating. It kept me engaged all the way through. I liked the way you started every paragraph with "Twenty-three". Looking back, I realize many of those Twenty-three's are also fragments but sometimes breaking the rules just makes sense.

One of the phrases starting with "Twenty-three" did not work well for me:

Twenty-three blind sets of eyes.

The phrase caused me to stumble while reading your story. Perhaps something like "Twenty-three people whose eyes were opened." That whole paragraph was a bit challenging for me to follow but the flow of your words carried me through.

Anyways, your writing definitely impressed me. I hope you find Writing.Com helpful to you on your journey to become a successful author! I am glad you are here!




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/07/2023 @ 10:33pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710918