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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710910
Review #4710910
Viewing a review of:
 Torchlight August 11 2007 Revision  [18+]
Revised flash piece 19th century mystery
by SPACE COBWEBS
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
It's very good, quite gripping in fact. The writing is fine, without serious flaw, and the story hooks the reader from the outset. It never lets go until the end. An excellent bit of writing and, if a continuation is planned (or even a prequel to give some reason to the killing of MacDonald), it would be even better.

There are a few things that gave me pause, however. And a pause interrupts the flow for the reader, which is only good if it's intended. The first was the sudden appearance of a bow from... Where? Keeley "found" it but what was it doing there and why was it conveniently loaded with an arrow? Maybe MacDonald sold bows (and arrows) but, if so, you need to say so. Otherwise the reader stops to wonder. Otherwise I think you're going to have to give Keeley some other means to do away with the storekeeper.

Then there's the matter of the window exploding outwards. Actual explosions would do that but not a fire, I think. Surely a fire would lower the pressure in a room since it consumes oxygen? Maybe I'm wrong but the point is that I stopped to ponder the point and some other readers might too. Research would settle the matter but it might be easier just have the fire set off an explosion by reaching some dynamite stocked for the purpose of mining. Nobody's going to argue with an explosion forcing a window to shatter outwards!

Finally, I'm not sure that the townsfolk wouldn't work out the cause of McDonald's death. Even though the fire would probably consume the arrow sticking into him, the wound might still be discernible to an autopsy. The arrowhead would certainly survive and would probably be dug out as well. So Keeley's escape might not be so easy after all. Maybe you should allow her to catch the train so she gets away immediately.

So there we have it - a cracking good story, slightly marred by a few doubts in the technical details. The writing is certainly good enough for these minor quibbles to be fixed.

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