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 Review #4710837 |
 | Old Magic  [13+] Ayu breathes magic, like all his people do. His story begins with a battle he can't win.  |
| (5.0)   A Rev-Rev-Review Found your story "Old Magic" in "Please Review" .Thank you for sharing this wonderful journey into Ayu's world of magic. I determine from the genre "novel", that Old Magic is part of a much larger story. Therefore, these impressions are more from the perspective of a reader who is starting the adventure from the middle, having missed the beginning. The story flow starts well. "They’re big thorns this time - big enough to poke a bear’s nose and make it think twice. And I turned the thorn tips inward. ..." At first, I had trouble visualizing this tool. I have to assume that the tool assembly and the mechanics were introduced in the much earlier parts, parts which I missed. Therefore, as a short story, the description would have been hard to visualize simply because a) I was not expecting to encounter a tool, and b) I did not know that the thorns were not part of the branch and could be manipulated, and c) now that I'm aware of the tool, I realize that this branch may in fact be a type of weapon, designed more for attack rather than for defense as I initially thought. The thorns can be eg1) launched as missiles or eg2) wielded like swords. (Basically, if Ayu is not careful, there's a whole lot of room for accidents and mistakes waiting to happen.) However, had I started the story from an earlier point, I think Ayu's statement would not have been an issue. Also, now that I am familiar with the tool, the concept is fascinating, mostly due to how the dialogue plays out between Ayu and his father. Ayu nodded in acceptance and then ... ... the sensations of a thousand dying ants invade his mind. He searched the forest floor. Mushrooms ... ... to get just one more kill. Questions that came up when I contrasted Ayu's reaction to past memories of the pig to experiencing the new sensations of dying ants.  Is the sensation of a single dying pig less than sensations of a thousand dying ants?  Since, the pig death, did Ayu become more aware and sensitive that he was more affected by the ants? Was pain from stabbing somehow less than the pain of dying (Do the sensations go away at the moment of death). If Ayu were to kill someone of his own kind, could that sensation be magnified or projected? Would the pain from Tove be magnified because Ayu is already listening? Is there a way to shut down these senses or overwhelm these senses?Other thoughts... Why does Ayu want to be in a fight? He may feel it is his duty, but every part of his mind and body is resisting. For example, compared to others, Ayu's abilities come across as extremely scattered. In a sense, Ayu is terrible with listening, terrible at fire making. It's clear that he is distracted by something, possibly distracted by the fear of confrontation, otherwise he'd be more focused on developing his skills or could have been much further along that he actually is. Thorny thoughts... Going back to the thorns. From the perspective that the thorns tool is a weapon... From that perspective, I feel that it is mostly due to inexperience in dealing with life and the threat of danger, that Ayu is over preparing for possible war or battle by adding the poison to the thorns before it is needed. I get the impression that he may have realized his mistake and then turned the thorns around, however now, a great deal of care would have to taken to turn the thorns around again (as in to avoid pricking himself with poison), not to mention that the poison might be weaker or less having some rubbed off when the thorns were reversed (as in Ayu will have to lace the thorns again). Also, these branches are probably not safe to touch where the thorns have been inserted due to the possibility that some of poisonous residue may rubbed into those holes. “Sorry, that was mean,” Ren smiled. “But you tried.”  made me laugh“I caught someone listening waaay too closely,” Tove locked frustrated eyes with Ayu, a mild smirk softening the accusation. “It surprised me so much that I kicked a tree root and hurt my toe.” I liked this part of the story too.From a short story pov, this was the moment when I realized these people were connected on some psychic or supernatural level Artro snapped out of his ill temper, and nodded in agreement. I did not get that impression that he was angry - grin usually signifies something more jovial. Perhaps add a bit more something before or after Ren's statement to let us know that Artro is in a more negative mood before he actually snaps out of it “Sorry, Uncle. Sorry, Ayu,” the young man - only a cycle older than Ayu - spoke quickly and with sincerity. “Listening is hard to get right. I know.” From short story pov: For a moment, I thought it was Ayu apologizing. Broke the flow here for me to try to sort out that this is Artro who is speaking. No doubt if I had started the story from the first chapter I would have known who Uncle was. It might be better to break up the dialogue where Artro addresses Uncle first. eg3) “Sorry, Uncle," Artro apologized. "Sorry, Ayu,” the young man - only a cycle older than Ayu - spoke quickly and with sincerity. “Listening is hard to get right. I know.”Ayu noyiced a strange motion in the air, like ripples in the water when a fish dusturbs it. Ayu noticed a strange motion in the air, like ripples in the water when a fish dusturbs it. Typo. Loved how the story ended with the last paragraph. I liked how the ending added a sense of gravity that the next day may start with war. I hope my review is helpful. Thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful story. I hope to see more of Ayu and his people. ~ Amy the last cicada (deadbluesea) "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/08/2023 @ 1:05am EDT