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Review #4710735
Viewing a review of:
 Politics as Unusual  [13+]
Free enterprise comes home
by Hatsuda
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Ah, if only the world was that simple. Seriously, I think that's about the only weakness in the story. I really cannot see a whole town deciding to shop in the more expensive stores through loyalty to the local businesses. Some would, yes, and that's why limited drives such as Buy American exist. But never enough to beat the big guys. And this is what leaves your story without enough conflict to really grip the reader. Everything seems far too easy.

How to fix it? I think, to do that, you're going to have to cut back on the reader learning so much about Jolene. It's relevant that she's been a marine and seen corruption in the Middle East - this gives her enough motivation to sort things out when she gets home. But the meeting with local businesses is too long and doesn't tell us a lot. It doesn't matter who the owners of the small businesses are - it's sufficient to know that they're in danger of going under. So we can trim a lot as we build to the battle with the Biggies.

And that should give you some room to make the struggle closely fought and more engaging as a result. Just a suggestion.

You're also very light on details of how the local populace is persuaded to join the campaign. It needs a little work to outline the strategy, I think.

Apart from these points, you write well, with no errors that I could mention and a grasp of how to keep the story flowing along. The one remaining quibble I have is your choice of Contest Entry as one of the three genres allowed. No one searches for contest entries so you need to pick something else that relates to the story's subject and that can draw readers in.

It's good to see someone noticing the problems confronting small businesses these days. One more voice raised in good sense!

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