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Review #4710619
Viewing a review of:
 
Virus  [13+]
Only one of us will make it out alive, and it's not you.
by Anarchist Angel 🏴
Review of Virus  
Review by Cackling QPdoll
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello. I found this on the "Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review" .

These are simply my thoughts and opinions. Please take what you can use and toss out the rest.

You've done a nice job with this story. It kept me hooked through to the end. However, I did get pulled out of the story in a few places. The descriptions of each of the characters come off as an information dump, in my opinion. It reads more comfortably when those details are spread throughout the story.

There are a couple of places where you bounce between the character's point of view. Here's one:
He considered this a moment. She's only a girl, he thought condescendingly. Wouldn't disrupt the program to let her stop a moment. This came from his point of view as opposed to continuing with her point of view. You could write something like, "She watched his facial features change as he struggled to make a decision."

It's not a great example, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey.

The ending brought a solution to both of their problems. For him to not go to jail, and for her to not get killed!

I think you did a great job! Thank you for the opportunity to read and review.

Happy Writing!
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/06/2023 @ 9:23am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710619