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Review #4710493
Viewing a review of:
 Friends  [E]
Flash Fiction
by Jacky
Review of Friends  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
It's a simple story but it works very well. The reason is the dialogue. It flows naturally and is never forced or unlikely. You bring the reluctance of the boy to life, showing how he approaches the subject of the backpack with care, not wanting to annoy his sister. And she is impatient, at first, gradually coming to the understanding that her brother is serious this time. It was fortunate that the problem was so easily fixed, mainly thanks to the reasonableness of the men.

The brother/sister relationship is totally believable, thanks to the conversation between them. It's obvious that you have experience of this! So it's a well-told tale but there are weaknesses in the presentation. You have used only one of the three options for genre, and even that one is Contest Entry, which tells a potential reader nothing about the subject of the story. If you were to choose three genres for this section, you would broaden its appeal greatly. I would suggest Family, Drama and Relationships as fitting the story well.

Similarly, the description of the piece says nothing about it apart from the fact that it's short. Something like "A girl realises that her little brother needs her help" would be better. It sums up the story without giving anything away.

Finally, I'm not sure about the title. Yes, the two become friends ultimately, but for most of the tale they are stuck in a typically adversorial relationship of brother and sister. A title that hints at the conflict in the story may be more appropriate and gather more readers.

All of my suggestions have been concerned with presentation. The story really deserves a bit more hype to increase its readership. Once people start reading, they'll be hooked!

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