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Review #4710279
Viewing a review of:
 A Timeless Encounter in a Saloon  [13+]
The infamous bounty hunter Draco is hunting a surprising prey.
by Casey Daniel
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hi Casey Daniel I'm Bikerider and I am offering this review of
 A Timeless Encounter in a Saloon  (13+)
The infamous bounty hunter Draco is hunting a surprising prey.
#1936557 by Casey Daniel
on behalf of


I have reviewed this item as if it were my own, taking into consideration what I would want to know. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" 



HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!

First Impression: I don't usually read westerns or sci-fi, but I decided to take a look at this story. I found it a bit jumbled, but it is an interesting concept. I mean, Hitler in an old western saloon? Some kind of space ship that Hitler has access to? Hitler shot by a bounty hunter? There's a lot here that surprised me, but in a good way.

Opening Paragraph: The opening sentences/paragraphs are very important to any story, it is where you hook your reader, therefore it should be free of errors. Most of the paragraph is good, but why not described the saloon. The saloon is virtually the entire story world, so a reader would want to be able to visualize it.

Suggestions: Items the would benefit from your further attention:

1. The first paragraph should end with Every eye was on him as he slowly looked around.. A new paragraph should begin with He approached the bartender and said “I’m looking for a man who has a bounty on his head.

2. He didn’t speak very much English, but he was pretty sure what was going on when he heard the tall, scary-looking man say his name. Neither the bartender or Draco mentioned the name of the man with the bounty on his head, so this sentence didn't make sense. I had to go back and read previous sentences to make sure I didn't miss anything.

3. Draco, still pressing down on the pressure point in the bartender’s shoulder, pressed down harder as he said, “This man you’re protecting, You've used pressing, pressure, and pressed, all in the same sentence. I suggest changing at least one of those. Maybe something like this: Draco increased the pressure on the bartender's shoulders, causing him to cry out in pain.

4. The foreigner made it into his room and slammed the door shut beside [behind] him and jumped into the vehicle that brought him here.

Characters: I like Draco. You did a good job describing him, and you gave him actions that brought him to life. Well done. We don't see much of the bartender, so no real description of his is necessary. And with Hitler, we all know what he looked like so no additional description is needed.

Dialogue: the dialogue is appropriate to the story.

Final Thoughts: This is an interesting scene. Plumping it up with some description of the story world would help, so would some description and explanation about the vehicle Hitler left in and why he came back where Draco could shoot him.

Thank you for sharing your story. If you add to this please let me know and I'll review it again.



Bikerider


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