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Review #4710221
Viewing a review of:
 For All of Us  [E]
This poem is beyond all relationships. But made for us all.
by sindbad
Review of For All of Us  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This feels as though it's actually two documents in one. The first part, the poem, is very moving and makes some excellent points as well. The simplicity of what it's saying is often missed in our daily lives as we're too much in a hurry to deal with things that don't really matter.

Could it be improved? Yes, by separating it from what follows. Both graphical content and presentation of the text below the poem detracts from the its stark honesty and directness, allowing the reader to forget its good advice as he makes his way through the fields of clover below. Both pieces have their merits but lessen the impact of each other.

They are different in type as well. The poem is straightforward, simple wisdom, whereas the text is a series of aphorisms. I think you weaken them both by forcing them to live together. I'm aware that the requirements of the contest may have required this structure but, now that it's done, it might be an idea just to give each part a document of its own.

Speaking of Contests, it's a mistake to have Contest and Contest Entry as two of your allowed three genres. Readers don't look for contest entries so they're uselss as attractions to new readers. Far better to fill this genre info with other genres that your piece touches upon, even if only marginally. It could increase your chances in the Quills too. For example, you could add Religious and Philosophy to the Educational tag that you have chosen. The info regarding the contest can be added to the piece as a note at the end.

The second section of the document is more problematic than the first. It is more complex and adopts more than a single sentence construction. The clover and other graphics I find intrusive and make reading each point more difficult. I'm fighting my way through the vegetation to find the textual nuggets! This may be a personal thing with me but I would advise you to think about cutting down on the graphics at least a little. I may not be the only one who feels a little lost in the clover!

The wisdom you have set down is quite apparent, however. I doubt that anyone could go wrong in life if they take notice of these points. Well done!

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Beholden


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