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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4710088
Review #4710088
Viewing a review of:
 Coffee  [E]
Flash Fiction
by Jacky
Review of Coffee  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
For a moment I thought you'd committed the unpardonable "it was all a dream" sin. Nice save at the last minute with that "a small puff of smoke seemed to follow him in."

The story itself turns upon the difference between "mail" and "male" of course. Kudos on building so interesting a world upon such a simple thing. It's told mostly in dialogue so you've done especially well in conveying required information to the reader. You have a simple, bare style that is very effective for moving a story along without entangling the reader in unnecessary detail. That is your strength and you should nurture it.

There are a few improvements I can suggest. You've described its genre as Contest Entry - which is meraningless to a reader wanting to know what it's about before starting. Also, you're missing all those readers that would be pulled in by searches around your chosen genres. Notice that's in the plural - you should always pick three genres (even if some may be a bit of a stretch) because it widens the net to catch more readers (and possibly a Quill).

There's a point in which you say, " Then suddenly he sort of woke up..." This is vague and tells the reader nothing. Did he wake up or didn't he? Be positive in what you say and be clear. Don't allow the reader to wander off, wondering what you mean.

Be wary, too, of clichés. Disappearing in a puff of smoke is an example. Sometimes they have to be used (as in reported speech - we use them all the time when speaking) but it's best to think up new ways to say things if you can. It brings your writing to life by making people really think about what you're saying.

This is an enjoyable tale with an interesting twist at the end. Very well done.

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