%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4710003 |
 | Shaky Marriage  [13+] A funny story about a married couple who cannot get along.  |
| (3.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  Hi candi101 I'm Bikerider and I am offering this review of
I have reviewed this item as if it were my own, taking into consideration what I would want to know. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY! First Impression: This is an interesting story. I was surprised by how quickly the marriage fell apart after only two years, especially since they professed their love for each other at the beginning of the story. However, this is probably something that happens to couples more often then we realize, so you gave the story some realism by showing the short marriage. Suggestions. Items that would benefit from your further attention: : The opening sentences/paragraph of any story is very important. It's the place where you hook your reader and make them want to read on. I'll list a couple things that would benefit from your further atention. 1. Claire and John have been dating for 3 [three] years, and she wasn't for sure if he even cared anymore. Unless the number is part of the title, such as the 101st Airborne, or 33rd Street, all numbers from one to ninety-nine should be spelled out. 2. Breaking up long paragraphs into shorter sentences is important. Here's an example ...he took her hand in his and pulled her slowly into him.[<--this should end the paragraph because the next sentence is a new thought. Double space between sentences] While the New Year's Day fireworks began to go off, he kissed her romantically, with his left hand in her right and his right hand behind her neck, and when he... 3. Each speaker of dialogue should receive their own sentence. Here's an example: You wrote: ...and when he pulled back, he stared right into her eyes and ever so gently said, "Will you marry me?" Claire was shocked. She new it was New Year's Day and it was the best time to ask, but it was so weird how it happened right when she was thinking about it. "Yes!" She said as she kissed him again. "I love you Claire, I always have." "I love you too John!" That's two speakers in the same paragraph. Here's how it should look. ...and when he pulled back, he stared right into her eyes and ever so gently said, "Will you marry me?" Claire was shocked. She knew it was New Year's Day and it was the best time to ask, but it was so weird how it happened right when she was thinking about it. "Yes," she said as she kissed him again. "I love you Claire, I always have." "I love you too, John. There are several more places that have the same problem but should be easily fixed. 4. They told her that her husband called in and told them she was struck by hystaria, and had a disease where she always thought things were on fire. And they believed him! Probably because he was the most trusted guy in this broken down state. "How dare he." She thought. A reader would want some information about why he's the most trusted man in the state. Dialogue: the dialogue is good, but needs to be separated into sentences for each speaker. Final Thoughts: This is an interesting scene that lends itself to be a longer story. Giving a bit more backstory about how the couple reached the point where John finally proposed marriage to Claire would be helpful. I enjoyed reading your story, thank you for sharing your writing. Bikerider This review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.