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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709986
Review #4709986
Viewing a review of:
 People are Weird  [18+]
PI gets hired to do a simple job.
by Espinado
Review of People are Weird  
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hi Espinado I'm Bikerider and I am offering this review of
 People are Weird  (18+)
PI gets hired to do a simple job.
#2137615 by Espinado
on behalf of


I have reviewed this item as if it were my own, taking into consideration what I would want to know. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Please use this link to see how I rate an item."Comment-In-A-Box" 



HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!


First Impression: Because I'm a retired police office/detective, I had to read this story. It's interesting but seems more like a scene than a story. Your story world fits the story of a PI's office and how he's willing the phone to ring. Very Mickey Spillane. Well done!


Suggestions:

1. 15 years as a PI and those are the first three things I learned. Unless the number is part of the title, such as 101st Airborne, 3rd Avenue, or 2nd floor, any number from 1 to 99 should be spelled out. And no matter the number, if the number begins the sentence, it should also be spelled out.

2. "We are being followed and we want to know [by] who and why," Ms. Hammil said.

3. "Hammil and Hack just dropped by," [<--period, end of sentence. -->new sentence] I could actually hear Harry sit up in his chair.

4. When choosing genres for your story, you should use all three so a prospective reviewer and get a better idea of what the story is.


Dialogue: Dialogue can be used to show a speakers personality, and since the main characters are a PI and a newspaper man, I wondered why you didn't use conjunctions. Here's an example of what I mean.
1. "What makes you think you are being followed?" "What makes you think you're being followed?" I think using conjunctions when the PI or the newspaper man speak would make them sound more realistic.

Characters: The characters are good. Two famous celebrities, a PI and a newspaper man is a good combination. Using dialogue and actions, you've brought the characters to life.

Final Thoughts: You used good description to show the reader the story world, but left me wondering why the clients changed position when the PI stepped out of the office. If it's worth mentioning in the story, then it must have a purpose. Leaving a reader with unanswered questions should be avoided.

The scene is interesting and left me wanted more; what were the words to the song? Did the PI ever find out who wanted the couple followed? What happens next after they shoot a man in a hotel room? There are a lot of possibilities to make this into a longer story. If you do that let me know and I'll review this again.

Thank you for sharing your writing.


Bikerider


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