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Review #4709862
Viewing a review of:
See You in the Morning, Mom!  [E]
The loss of my loving mother to her body's death is both painful and reassuring.
by Jay O'Toole
Review by tracker
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Jay,

I was browsing your portfolio this afternoon. I want to keep up with each of my favorites. Your highlighted items caught my eye. That is how I came to review “See You in the Morning, Mom!”

Overall Impression: I was immediately attracted to your poem because it was in large bold print. It is centered on the page so there is a definite symmetrical pattern. Before I started, I was hooked. Your description says clearly you have written this poem about losing your mom. I liked the description because it prepared me for your poem.

What I liked: I like the rhythm and rhyme. The alternating 8 and 6-syllable lines were enough to express your thoughts. At times poems of tribute are much longer syllables to lavish praise and give descriptive reasons why the person meant so much. You had so much to say about your wonderful mother. She certainly was engaged in your life. I loved the variety of activities you did together. You took great care with word selection. I know that because every line had active verbs and specific adjectives that conveyed your feelings. For example, “Remember vinyls great!”

Suggestions: Help me out with a few things. Please help me understand what Picardy is. I missed the thought because I was confused. The plethora of exclamation points showed your enthusiasm and convictions. For me, there were too many. Frankly, your words are so strong you don’t need exclamation points at all. The last question I have is about the line “Our efforts aren’t the soap.” The negative word stopped me cold because if it wasn’t soap what was it? I suggest since the first 3 lines start with Remember, Use the first word remember for the fourth line with something like Remember joy invokes.

Congratulations on a polished poem with no technical errors.

It was an honor to read your poem about your relationship with your mom. Knowing you will be reunited is the joyous message I took away. I see you share your writing every day in our newsfeed. That is something to emulate.

Write on!

tracker
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