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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709638
Review #4709638
Viewing a review of:
Walking on Thin Ice  [ASR]
A boy plays a mean trick on his mother, and then regrets it.
by Than Pence
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, Than Pence . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ! *Smile* I received "Walking on Thin Ice"  via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

It's winter and the lake is frozen. A mother and boy are walking beside the lake. The boy decides to play a mean trick on his mother and throws her purse to the center of the lake. She demands he retrieve it. But as he starts out on the ice it begins to crack beneath his weight...

*Quill*Commentary

This is my own reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This poem was not short of provocative themes. There is the tension between mother and son. There is the 'will he won't he break the ice' tension. There is the philosophical juxtaposition of life and mammon with the choice between the boy's life and the retrieval of the purse.

I liked the ending, he survives but does not survive his mean trick on his mother. There are consequences but the one we all feared while reading the poem. I wonder what she did to provoke this nastiness. Was she too materialistic? Was the bag an expensive one illustrating her love of money and brand names?


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You did it all with an engaging rhyme.

It might have been better to leave punctuation off the end of sentences. The punctuation did not really make sense with missing commas or full stops.


Thanks for sharing.

2023 Quill Nominee

 
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