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 Review #4709577 |
 | Escaping The Long Arm Of The Law  [ASR] The get away turns out OK.  |
| (4.0)| Well, you can write, that's obvious. The story's a bit weak in that it needs an ending a bit more punchy. The finding of Uncle Fred was just a bit too easy and it fails to balance out the rest of the story. If you're working to a word limit, you could take out the basket ball/boiler stuff (which doesn't keep the story going) and make the ending a bit longer with the appearance of Fred a bit more of a surprise. Other than that, the only problem is the frequency of niggling little errors and typos. Snow balls become snowballs halfway through (it's "snowballs"), cannon balls should be cannonballs. Don't use abbreviations like 15" - write it in words (fifteen minutes, in this case). That way, there's no possibility for misunderstanding. When I read that the kids ran into Fred 3" from the entrance to the pipes, my mind saw it as three inches. The abbreviation is the same for both minutes and inches, depending on the context. And it's only Americans who measure distance in the time it takes to travel. Don't alienate readers through abbreviations like this that can cause confusion - write it in full every time. I know you're writing this for young adults and they may well not even notice such small niggles. But it doesn't pay to irritate the occasional unexpected reader. Always try to expand your audience and never pander. Sorry to be so picky but it needed saying.    Beholden
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You responded to this review 09/03/2023 @ 1:39pm EDT