%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4709448 |
 | the lost dog  [E] tjhis is a story of hw a girl takes her dog to the park and the dog gose missing  |
| (2.5)| Hello maiah This is a review on behalf of "Angel Review Forum" [ASR] This is only my views. Please use or discard as you're comfortable with.   This is a cute story. It has a lot of potential. I think it would be well worth taking the time to flesh out/expand your story.  Title and Description - You have a strong title that caught my attention and made me want to read on. I did get the understanding of your story in the description, but the mistakes need to be fixed.tjhis is a story of hw a girl takes her dog to the park and the dog gose missing Try something similar to: Bella's dog goes missing at the park.  Theme/Subject Matter:- A story about a girl who loses her dog and almost loses all hope. Characters - You get the message across nicely of how much of an emotional connection she has with her furbabies. Originality/Creativity:- Nice story with an original spin. My Suggestions - I believe this story would work best as one short story, instead of breaking it down into one paragraph chapters. The story, while good, needs a lot of correcting. Please don't feel overwhelmed. Maybe consider downloading Grammarly, or something similar to help you learn how to construct a writing better. she through Lilly’s ball and it landed in a bush she threw Lilly's ball and it landed in a bush.  Lilly went to get it but did not come back so Bella waited for a couple of minutes then when Lilly did not come back, she went to go look for Lilly, after an hour she could not find her so she kept looking for Lilly by the time it was dark she had not found her so she had to go home and sleep so, she could look for Lilly the next day.Lilly went to get the ball but after a few minutes, she still had not returned. Bella looked for Lilly for over an hour and still could not find her. When night fell, she begrudgingly went home, determined to start first thing in the morning. Capitalize all of your names, and spell out all of your numbers. Bella became sad and cold to every one she locked her self up in her room and cried for weeks and weeks 5 years later Bella has completely given up hope she is sad but little did she know she would find out something that would change her life forever.Bella became sad and cold to everyone. She locked herself in her room and cried for weeks. It's been five years, and Bella still finds it hard to have hope. But soon, she would find out something that would change her life forever!  When she woke up she told sally the news 9 months later Kelly was born it hurt like hell as you could probably tell Bella was very Sleep deprived Bella “ hello my sweet daughter and who is this dog” When she awoke she told Sally the news. Nine months later, Kelly was born to a sleep-deprived Bella. "Hello, my sweet daughter. Who is this pretty dog?" I'm kind of confused about the ending. Try adding a paragraph or so to help the reader understand it better.  Summary: Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. If you decide to edit your writing, please let me know. I'd love to come back and adjust my rating/review for the edited version.   KEEP ON WRITING ON! Intuey   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.