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 Review #4583719 |
  Greetings, proton69, I am reviewing this today as a judge for the "Writing 4 Kids-CLOSED till Spring" .October's Prompt: In 750 words or less, write a children's story inspired by the jack-o-lantern image provided.  First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. Visually appealing Easy to understand Followed the prompt Plot / Internal Conflict / Goal: Nowadays, many parents are in the workforce and the children are left on their own with friends to have fun. This particular group of friends are all artists in one way or another--musicians, drawers, singers, writers, etc. Peter is trying to write and the noise coming from his friends' singing and playing instruments is beginning to annoy him because he cannot think what color to use for his shark. His friends now are louder than ever, so he angrily goes to his bedroom and locks the door. He drinks the chocolate milk he brought in from the fridge and then falls asleep and dreams that he and his friends have fallen off a boat into the deep sea with no oxygen tanks. Peter sees a shark headed for Sammy and tries to warn him but his friends don't hear because they are singing. The shark bites Sammy's leg and the knock on the door wakes Peter up from his dream. His mom hugs him as he cries, relieved Sammy is safe and that it was just a dream. Then his mother gives him some chocolate and Peter takes a bite and says, "What a horrible dream!" Characters: I thought you did very well with Peter's annoyance toward his friends. And also, when the friends made more noise to irritate him further... That sounds like something that would really happen!   Dialogue: Kids like dialogue plus it keeps the story flowing at a good pace.  Setting: The setting is at Peter's house. There is a lot going on between video games, playing instruments, singing, and playing with pets. You've achieved chaos here, which is what you strived to do. Good job! Technicalities: I'm not going to get into technicalities here, as I am assuming English is not your first language. And with that in mind, you've done quite well, other than some punctuation technicalities that need editing.  However, you did not use the required prompt for this round, which disqualifies you from placing. Please do not feel discouraged. It happens sometimes. And just one other thing... The contest is for children and preteens and normally, would not include swearing in a children's story, though I understand in real life it could happen.  If you choose to keep the cuss word, you will need to change your story's rating. Favorites: "Your pigs are running away from the art paper?" I loved this!  What an awesome visual! Final thoughts: You are a good storyteller and I encourage you to continue on with your writing! Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 11/25/2020 @ 6:02am EST