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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4480971
Review #4480971
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by 🌕 HuntersMoon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi 🌑 Darleen - QoD

It's me, Ken, and I saw this posted at "I Write in 2019"  as an entry in "The Pink Fluffy Unicorn Contest"  😁 It is my pleasure to both read and provide feedback on your work "Invalid Item"  as a member of and on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

✨ First Impression/Thoughts:
OK. It took me a bit to get this as poetry rather than a story. I finally got that you rhymed the last word of each verse/paragraph. 😁 I've read and even written "prose poems" and this is one such creation. On to the poem: the story told is original and very entertaining. For the Queen of Darkness, I might even call it "uplifting." (Don't worry, I'll keep your secret. 🤣)

✨ Creativity/Impact:
I think your approach to rabbit/unicorn prompt was excellent and I think many will find that your words resonate. That you incorporated the tiny details that bring the scene to life within the form - brilliant. Very creative.

✨ Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words 😁.

🔹 Title - "Creatures of Obsidian Shores." I thought your title was intriguing. 😄 If this doesn't get the reader's attention, then I don't know what will. The "teaser" line (a.k.a. description) offers you an opportunity to add some clarification and can also be a great tool to attract more readers. I was pleased to see that you used it to amplify and set up the scenario for your poem. Well done.

🔹 Grammar/Wording - Great word choice! Your descriptive words to build images in the reader's mind. I saw nothing in error. You used language as your palette and each word seemed well chosen to paint the story of your poem.

🔹 Form/Flow - This was written in a Prose Poem form. Prose poetry is a piece of writing in prose that has obvious poetic qualities, including intensity, compactness, prominent rhythms, and imagery. I'm not sure that a "last word rhyme" is sufficient to carry this into the realms of poetry.

As with all poetry, the key is found in emotional content. As Robert Frost said, "Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words." I could see poetry in this unique work but I really had to stretch to find it. 😂

✨ Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* A very captivating read. The storyline is unique and interesting and I really enjoyed it. 5 stars for the story; 4 stars for the poetry. 😋 Thank you for sharing your journey of creativity, imagination, and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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