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WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills! #1300305 by Maryann

Hello quiet web !!

"The the mages from the Blood Dawn school" The is repeated...

"... just as he was about to leave, a short rail thin woman..." a short, rail-thin woman..."

"...head mistress's "office"." First, the word "office" is repeated a LOT in this short piece, second, I have no idea why this time the word is in quotes. Is it not really an office? I'm confused.

" looks like you are alittle short on this moons payment." it should be "a little" and this moon's.

Toward the end of this, the word "peeved" is repetitive, and then you say that "he asked in annoyance." We know he's annoyed...it doesn't need to be repeated again.

"You are here, because i want to hire you..." "You are here (no comma) because I (capitalize I) want to hire you..."

"to find someone or more likely something that cripple..." "to find someone, or more likely, something that will cripple... OR "to cripple..."

My Impression
I like the writing style and the voice of this piece. I want to get to know this character. I was a little confused by this piece, and that it didn't seem to have an ending. Why would they want him to help cripple students? He's an investigator...I don't get why he would be called. This seems like a scene from a larger work, not a stand-alone story.

There's a bit of dialogue at the end of this that I had to read a few times because I had to figure out who was talking. I think it would be helpful to put all lines of dialogue in separate lines. Two or more characters should never be speaking in a single paragraph, especially without dialogue tags.

I think this is an interesting little scene. I was also confused as to why it was called "The Delicious Petals?"

Anyway, I see this is a book item, so I guess I should check out the rest of it...some of my questions may get answered that way

Thanks for sharing your story!

IceSkating SugarCube

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .