Hello L.A. Grawitch I saw that you submitted this piece to the intrepid "The Lodestar Contest" 

I've decided to give it a read and tell you what I think about it.

"MOM, help me." She yelled as a part stutter and part high pitched whine. I do like that you describe exactly HOW she's saying it, but adding hyphens to the word or phrase can also help a reader feel like they're in the action. Unless you're not a fan of that, which is fine. "M-m-mon, help m-me!"

When the mother and daughter start talking, I don't see one contraction amidst the dialogue. You've described this mother as being "exasperated" by both her daughter and the everyday happenings of motherhood. I would think that, to help convey the weariness she might be feeling, she'd say "What's the matter?" instead of "What is the matter?" When she states it without contractions, it sounds less like natural dialogue and more like she's annoyed with having to ask her daughter the question. -- I do eventually see a contraction further in (uttered by the daughter) but there should be more. People naturally use them all the time and using realistic forms of dialogue always helps the reader feel like they can relate to the story.

Lexi, the little girl's nickname... This is unnecessary explanation and carries with it the supposition that your reader wouldn't know it without it being spelled out for them.

The bold duo slid the glass door... Was "We got this girl?" enough to calm Lexi into walking out feeling as bold as her mother?

I do enjoy the scene where Lexi is described coloring her monsters. Even going so far as to state that her tongue was poked out the side of her mouth really helped me envision this little girl's actions.

It is because the description of the scene is so thorough and detailed that I'm willing to overlook the fact that the mother was right outside on the deck with Lexi. Instead of going and checking under the deck herself, she decides to... wait and make her husband do it? Why wouldn't she think to come down with Lexi and look under there together? I understand that the monsters are actually REAL but Lyndey doesn't know that. All she knows is that her daughter is claiming that something ELSE lives under the deck and she chooses not to disprove that immediately.

It is because the coloring scene is so well-written that I can forgive the mother's action (in-action): if they looked under the deck and the monsters were really there, she wouldn't have anything to color.

And where is Gerald this entire time? In the beginning, I assumed he was at work (it sounds like the mother and daughter are home alone since no one else is mentioned to be nearby or even in the next room. Then when she says she'll have Daddy come and check later, it further implies that he's at work and will perform the task when he gets home.

But when Gunther shows up, Lyndey scoops up Lexi and shouts for Gerald to "Get down here now!" Why wasn't he already down there? What's he doing? Lyndey was expressing genuine concern and the coloring montage is described as going on for an hour or more. Lyndey is amazed and worried by what she's seeing and she doesn't immediately think to pull Gerald in at that time? And where are Max and Simon? Have they already been eaten by the monsters?

In the end, I did like a lot of the visuals described: the bunnies sounded adorable on the grass, Gunther was appropriately visualized, as was Lyndey's action when she let him move past her. The monsters also sounded pretty terrifying.

But the dialogue does feel very mechanical when it could feel more natural. And the progression of the character actions doesn't sound like what regular people would do in those situations.

I'm still very glad that you entered this contest. I've had fun reading a lot of the entries (I read some before the contest was judged). I hope you don't think I'm being too hard with my words here. Was this piece originally written for another contest? I noticed that it was first added to your port almost a year ago. If so, how did you fair in that contest?

Again, thanks for sharing your work, and please keep writing!

Than Pence

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .