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 Review #4426464 |
 | A "Worthy Goal"  [E] A short story about two young country boys with a major need to have a basketball goal  |
| (3.5)  This review helps to introduce and highlight "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group" Hi, The Don , I'm really glad I read this. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work.These are just one person's opinions; always remember only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. If I didn't respond to it quite the way you hope, perhaps you will find something useful in the feedback or forget about it - it's all up to you. It's your story. Here's what I  best about "A "Worthy Goal"" - This is a simple and authentic story that recalls similar adolescent 'adventures' of my own. I'm sure many readers can relate to what you went through! These are just some observations and suggestions. Please feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish. Your words are in pink, my suggestions and impressions are in blue.  1) Plot:This has the beginnings of a plot, but ends up reading more of a memoir instead. Perhaps if you develop the complications you encountered a little more -- the 'just over the hill' becoming six hills part comes to mind, and dramatise the struggle a little more, this would sound like a proper short?  )2) Characterization: Two boys mad enough about basketball to trek through unknown forests for a $5 hoop -- I like them already! 3) Voice/Style:Told from the first person perspective in the form of a recollection, this creates the impression of an authentic, true-life story (even if it is actually fiction, which I'm sure it's not). The characters and events are totally believable too. My favourite phrase you used is 'cow pattie'.  4) Setting:Baileys Branch Community Athletic Fields sounds like a typical rural area, and is well described through its suitability for a variety of sports such as baseball and basketball. This fits in perfectly with the narrator's point of view. 5) Grammar & Diction:Just some niggly bits to work out and make this a smoother read (my comments/suggestions in blue)-- my friennd David's house (friend) there's plenty of advantages (there're) you sometimes had some bounced of the ball when dribbling that defied the laws of physics (bounces) You had to maneuver around stumps, rocks and maybe a cow pattie or two (missing a comma -- look for where I put it in) we headed out on our little 'adventure' hike. Now, (Now the period's gone MIA too) We knew that there was an old rarely used dirt road we called 'Turnpike' was somewhere nearby , Hereford Bull (bull)  FINAL THOUGHTS I liked this story, which made me recall a similar hike I had with a friend that ended with us swimming across a lake close to midnight to get back to civilisation. Thank you for bringing up that memory, and putting a smile on me to start the day! Thanks for a great read!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/14/2018 @ 6:43pm EDT