Hello, April Desiree-I'm back!

What I liked

Great rhyming scheme and meter throughout. The theme was clear and the resolution good. There was a logical flow throughout your poem, so I had no problem grasping what you were trying to say. You make good use of nature to generate metaphorical explanations/exprssions of your feelings.

It's a great poem.

What might need work

The opening stanza confuses at two points.

First, the end line 'thus is my crutch'. 'Thus' is one of those words rarely used in coloquial speech. The whole rest of the poem uses everyday language that anyone might say, even the dragon slaying since this is the age of video games and GoT. It feels, therefore, kinda forced when you use 'thus' there, as if you just wanted to make the meter work and so threw in that one weird word to make it so. Also, it kinda doesn't make sense, since according to this stanza you haven't met 'you' yet, so how can they be your crutch?

Second, it's in the present tense, so when the reader enters the second stanza and you go into past tense, it throws them. You've just told the listener 'I haven't met you' and then suddenly it's obvious that you have met 'you' in the past which is weird.

Both issues could easily be cleared up by changing the opening stanza to past tense like in the following rough example (which is only for the benefit of demonstration; I'm not attempting to hijack your beautiful poem).

The night birds sang
their chipper tune
as I laid in bed
during a warm June,
but my lonely love
yearned for your touch.
I had yet to find you…
now you're my crutch.

By swapping into present tense in the final line, you prepare the reader for the present tense in the rest of the poem and prevent a confusion occuring when it appears the person you haven't met has already been met, if you catch my drift.

As an aside, note that if you want to use and emdash rather than two hyphens, hold down 'alt' on your keypad while typing in sequence 0151 then release 'alt' and — will appear.

If you did this, you'd have to adjust the second stanza to begin something like…

On one October eve,
a Saturday,
I crossed your path;

Note that in your poem, you then change tense in the same sentence…

you lead me away
to a land of passion

So, the first part of the sentence was past tense, 'crossed your path', but the second is present 'you lead me away' (I'd go for astray, lol ) which is not only confusing but grammatically incorrect. Perhaps just change the tense of the second bit?

you led me away
to a land of passion


The third stanza is perfect!

The forth stanza, I feel 'sword' would be better than 'swords', unless Andre is a samurai sword freak with a huge collection.

Also, the whole thing about grabbing your swords to kill dragons seems a bit out of theme compared to the rest of the poem, though it has the great advantage of adding character and perhaps personalisation, if Andre is either a big fantasy or gaming fan and you often play video games together or write fantasy together.

Anyroad, I hope my random thoughts assist. My only real concern was the confusing shift in tenses through the poem. The other comments are just niggles.

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place "  if you're not already a member.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .