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 Review #4258704 |
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| (5.0)       A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings MontyB: I am reviewing "Invalid Item" today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" What I Liked Best:I loved the real-life tone to this piece. Wherever you are taking us (the rest of your readers and me) I think we will follow you like rats following the pied piper. The only difference being you are not going to drop us off a pier into the water. You are taking us on what promises to be one heck of a wild ride. Oh, I can tell. Opener: Absolutely gripping! A teenaged daughter and her mom, bickering. Complete with earbuds, sarcastic banter, and convenience store coffee. Impossible to resist! Plot: We open with Katrina and her mother, Lilia (both not named until further along), bickering in the car. Katrina, apparently the star soccer player on her team, was furious with her mother for making her miss the premier game of the season, and blamed her mother for what she knew would be a loss for the team. But Mom had little concern for the team or the game; she was going to see her dying grandmother, Katrina's great grandmother, whom Katrina has never met. This set me to thinking and questioning right away. Why has she never met her great grandmother, considering she is within driving distance? Why is it so important that she meet her before she dies -- that is, if it was never important before, why must Katrina miss -- and her team lose -- this very important game? What mother would make this decision without good reason? (I know that any moms reading this review are nodding right now.) Then, we arrive at Granny's and her caregiver, Esther, who's apparently as cheerful as the day is long, greets them on the porch and immediately endears herself to Katrina, and stuns Lilia, by mentioning Katrina looks just like her father, -- who, Lilia always told Katrina, had never met the family before he died in Afghanistan. Well, boy howdy! Thing are gettin' mighty interestin' round here. And Katrina thinks so too, because as she heads to the car to get their stuff, she whips out her cell to text her bestie, Claire, about this stunning bit of news! I don't have a full handle by the end of the chapter of where the story is going, but I have a clue, and a whole buncha ideas! All of which have me very happy right now! Character Development: Katrina, Lilia, Esther, onstage, and Claire, Granny, and the mean, horrible neighbors, off stage. You do a wonderful job, maybe the best I have ever seen, of developing this character driven story through immaculate showing, mostly through dialog, without ever writing a recognizable info dump, or slipping out of third person limited in Katrina's point of view (POV). Just stellar skill and crafting. I know who these people are; even Claire, from whom we get only snippets of dialog via text message to her best friend, Katrina. I've got a good handle on Esther too, even though she was introduced in the last few paragraphs of the chapter. The currently minor characters, Claire, Esther, and the neighbors, are drawn out well enough and perfectly balanced, and it's clear all will be playing larger parts as the story progresses. They are already especially effective at revealing some character traits of the main character and protagonist, Claire. Now Claire's goal in this chapter is basically to piss off her mom, as payback for "ruining her life". And she is successful. Until another, much larger issue comes into play when they arrive at Granny's. Oh yes, even though it is not stated, it is looming large. It's there all right. Something big is about to happen to them all. Tension arises from raising the stakes and increasing the obstacles. And I bet my computer that those stakes and obstacles are about to show themselves in a big honkin' way. Dialog: Best I have ever seen. 'Nuff said. Continuity Form Clarity Hook Structure Meter : Awesome. Seriously, you should give seminars. Suggestions for Improvement:Not a single one. CLOSING STATEMENT Thank you for joining in the Competition. It has been my supreme pleasure reading, and writing to you about, your chapter.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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