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 Review #4258016 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Satuawany: I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" How someone can write a story in my least favorite genre, in my least favorite tense, and include my least favorite convention -- and still have me riveted to the page is beyond my comprehension. But you have done this. I am fanning your story and your port this minute. (Don't believe me? Go check.) Clearly, I have a lot to learn from you. You tell this tale in simple present tense and drift into simple past for a rather large info dump smack in the middle. Normally I don't care for info dumps, but in this case, am not sure how to maneuver the key factoids into the story, without including them here in the first chapter. I do wonder if conversation, perhaps between the SAs, might be a way to work it in? I have no other solution, or idea to offer. It's a sure-fire fact that, without that information, this chapter wouldn't be as rich and full-bodied and as engrossing as it is. What I Liked Best:The way I felt while reading. Your character, Lhiannon, made her way right into my heart, and I wanted -and want for- her to succeed. Her love and tender feelings for her deceased grandmother reminded me of my own feelings for beloved figures who have left their footprints on my heart, and in her longing I saw my own. It was lovely to visit with them today while getting to know Lhiannon. Further, my curiosity is piqued with regard to her UV friend. And I'm desperate to know why the IR is angry. I'm guessing those SAs don't want to mess with that one. And may I just add... Voldemort? Clever foreshadowing? Or just a bit of whim and whimsy. Hmmmm? Opener:The man in front of me has a cart full of items, but this is the shortest line. I can keep it together. I can get through this. I just have to keep pretending that anyone who speaks is talking to another physical being, to themselves, into blue tooth devices. No one's talking to the daoine sidhe. No one. Oh yeah. I'm in. Let's go. See, this is the type of opener that grabs hold of me and says, you're an idiot if you put this down. Now, it doesn't meet the typical conventions of what a first paragraph should do in that while I do know who my mc and protagonist is, I do not have a clue what the obstacle is or what the plot is going to be, but it does meet the single most important and effective criteria for any novel, short story, or snippet. It drew me in 100 percent. Boom! Plot: A young reclusive women has come out today to do some shopping, primarily for her cat. She remembers why she locked herself away in there first place when it 's more than apparent many around her are taking the a drug that allows them to see what some call angels - everywhere. She used to see them too, but she takes a drug to stop seeing them. This is a common occurrence whenever she goes out, and now she is almost home. In front of her house there is a black car awaiting her arrival, and its occupants may or may not be big trouble for our protagonist. As you can see, by the chapter's conclusion, I have more than an idea of all the above-noted missing elements, as well as where this story is likely to be going. And yet, given the quality of the story development, I'm sure there will be some trips and turns and bumps along the ride. Not to worry; I always wear my seatbelt. What are you waiting for? Let's get on with the story! Character Development: can be presented in a more well-rounded way. First person POV in present perfect tense, is a difficult-at-best place to employ showing, but there has to be a balance somewhere. This piece, though every bit as riveting on second read as it was on the first, needs a little personality bump. In places like this: The checker tells the man in front of me a total. I think you can add in a little dialog to show what's happening instead of telling it. Something like, The checker hands the bag to the man ahead of me without looking him in the face. "That'll be thirty-five sixty-five," he says and then turns to me.There are a good number of opportunities like this to show your crafting chops. Adding a few of these will, I think, enrich your exposition without changing the over all feel of your chapter. Spelling Punctuation Grammar (SPG) : You know you've got this. Continuity Form Clarity Hook: I'll address these only so you know I was paying attention.  You got this too. The story is crystal clear, in an intelligent order - yes, even with the backstory dumped in. (There, I've said it.) And it concludes with a hook as good as any I've seen. I want to know what happens next. Who is that woman? Why did she pretend not to know the pronunciation? Why does all this matter to her? Will the man agent be a help or a hindrance to Lhiannon in the long run? And will "ialwaysloveyou" show up ever again? Your job here is done, M'dear. I am helplessly compelled to turn that page. Figurative Language & Vocabulary:This is the first review I have done for this competition where this portion has actually come into play. I have to add how much I liked the celtic spellings and pronunciations. I've special place in my heart for celtic lore and mysticism, so this story of yours touched me in yet another place. You've woven in the pronunciations, where necessary, so reader doesn't get caught up I trying to figure them out, that is a courtesy many authors, especially in scifi and fantasy do not bother about. I noticed and appreciated it. SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in this portion of my review: Your Words My Impressions as I Read Editing Suggestions I don't know about improving, but I am interested in sharing some ideas with you. I am including examples of the types of things I have noted throughout the chapter that could use some minor tweaking. Now, please do not think I am attempting to edit your novel. I offer only some subjective ideas for your consideration, in a conversational way, writer to writer. Use them or don't use them as you see fit; it's your story to tell, not mine. The man in front of me has a cart full of items, but this is the shortest line. I can keep it together. I can get through this. I just have to keep pretending that anyone who speaks is talking to another physical being, to themselves, into blue tooth devices. No one's talking to the daoine sidhe. No one. Just a thought: "human" or "person" might feel less forced. You don't need to smack there leader in the face with this info, it's obvious with the mention of the daoine sidhe. (Reads like celtic, btw; is that your intent?  I wrote that question before I knew the answer and left it in the review, strictly of your amusement.} A woman swings a cart in behind me, a young girl chattering away beside her. After a pause, the girl's chirpy voice asks, “Why do you look so mad?” A voice can't ask; but the girl can ask, in a chirpy voice. A quick sideways glance confirms what I already know; she's not talking to me, and she's not talking to her mother. She's talking to the space over my shoulder. I'm completely involved already, by the way, and this line made me smile with anticipation. I clutch my twelve-pound bag of cat food closer to me, marking each beep of the register as one more tick closer to my escape from this place. My escape from public, from reality, from this world where people take pills to see the daoine sidhe. Over dramatic, you don't need it. Your writing is nice and tight and easy to follow. This bit deviates from that style. Maybe just add the fragment- without the nesting? Even in the beginning, everyone was careful not to call them “fairies,” “angels,” “aliens.” This bit, tho necessary, and I get that, feels so forced. As though you remembered you had forgotten to include the reference in and dropped it here. Is there another place or another way you can work it in more effectively? “Ma'am?” says that girl, her voice less chirpy now, but still cheery, as if every stranger is a potential friend. Might you consider a tweak here, adding exposition instead of a tag? "Ma'am?" The little girl's voice is less chirpy now... Thank you for joining in the Competition, Satuawany. It has been a true pleasure reading (and writing to you about) your chapter.   This review has been prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/10/2016 @ 1:34am EDT