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 Review #4257631 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings genipher I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Author owns a bake shop which specializes in cupcakes. Aparantly the King of the land she lives in has gotten mad at the Queen and has told her to leave. He now wants a new Queen and has decided to choose one by having a game show, with the winner being the new Queen. Hook: You start out very quickly letting the reader know the story is going to concern game shows and cupcakes. Since these are two very diverse items, it was a very nice surprised when you pulled both of them together so adeptly. Congradulations. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: You nicely set the scene with the first paragraph. You might want to add just a bit of more of a hook. Say something like: "I hate reality TV shows, which made the possibility of being on one very remote, indeed." This is just a suggestion of course. You also should give the actual name of the Cupcake Shoppe, which would help introduce your character, like Candy's Cupcake Corner. We now know the main characters first name is Candy, and the reader can identify with her better. Characters Development: Author no name given Uncle Martin Various customers King and Queen mentioned Dialogue: You have not included a lot of dialogue, but I had no problem telling who was talking just by the words they used. Punctuation and Structure: The main thing I found with punctuation was the capitalization of King and Queen. If you are talking about a specific King or Queen they should be capitalized. Example: The King and Queen walked down the sidewalk. If you are talking about a king or queen in general you do not need caps. Example: They acted like kings and queens at the party. Closing Statement This is an interesting way to introduce a Cinderella type story. You have brought a smile to my face thinking about what the game show could possibly include and how your character even becomes involved in the show. I found the whole chapter interesting and intriguing. Thank you for posting. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/11/2016 @ 9:23pm EDT