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 Review #4255698 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings {huser:Captain Tony Nelson (Tv show)} I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## ! Title and Author: In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Bold Black{} My Impressions as I read: Bold Green Editing Suggestions:Bold Red Plot:: Dr. Dalton Winslow, invents and programs six AIs which he presents to the military as possible substitutes for dangerous situations. He is told in an email to shut the program down because: Destroy the AIs and close down the program. They want to nullify my life's work? We are not told exactly who this email is fron, but the Doctor takes it for granted it is from one of the government officials. One of the AI get out. When Dalton checks on them, during a regular monthly check, he realizes two of the AI are missing. He tries to destroy them remotely, but realizes it doesn't work. Reposts of unexplained deaths come in from the University of North Texas. Something tells Dalton his AIs are involved. A girl is attacked and survives. The person who attracted her is found cuffed by the University Police when they arrive. Hook: Destroy the AIs and close down the program. They want to nullify my life's work? It would be easy to miss the importance of "They" and "my" in the second sentence. Good subtle hook. Opening Sentence and Paragraph: The antagonist is introduced in the first sentance, although it takes a bit to realize he is an antagonist. As the chapter continues it feels like he is not a main character. Characters Development: Dr. Dalton Winslow - AI programmer and inventor Otto Matone - Artificial Intelligence (AI) Guinevere (Guin) Martin - female student at the University who is attacked. Dialogue: Punctuation and Structure: He left Fort Hood and took 190 (hyphen) west (cap). ... where an ammo dump had been located during the Gulf war. (cap). ... a loud clap of thunder startled him, then he saw [b} a bolt of lightening. ... and that person had to be very very (remove) good. I called up a map and planned a route to UNT.(Here you are saying this is the University of North Texas where a few paragraphs before this you say it is North Texas University. Are both correct?) /b} By saying this: I groaned, opened my eyes, looked around, and saw nothing familiar. /b} you are telling us this AI has some past experience acting like a human being. I would remove the word "groaned" which is a trait I don't think the AI would have acquired. Closing Statement These two sentences are very interesting. Destroy the AIs and close down the program. They want to nullify my life's work? It would be easy to miss the importance of "They" and "my" in the second sentence. Good hook. You write most of this chapter from a third person omnipotent point of view. The only time you change this is when Otto is acting or thinking. It does add some dramatics to the piece, but I think the change up is a little true drastic. This is my own personal opinion and I will be interested to see what some of the other reviewers have to say about it. If you have time please let me know. I enjoyed reading the piece. First Chapters are the hardest things to write, I think. You have to get a lot of information across, introduce at least one or two main characters and set the style and rythem for the whole story. I can feel the personality of Otto already. Great job. Starling
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You responded to this review 09/04/2016 @ 6:50am EDT